• Physical and mental training for long-term trauma victims to regain control over their bodies and minds.
• Going from trauma response to mindful free will
• Changing your lifestyle, food, drink, who you are around, and how you use your time
1. Introduction 2. The World Is A Battlefield 3. The Church: A Feast for Oppressors? 4. How Did We Become Victims? 5. How do victims communicate? 6. Being a victim of an offense and victimhood 7. Learned Helplessness 8. Victim-blaming 9. God’s solution to sin 10. How Satan uses the Bible to force us to submit to him 11. The Good Shepherd 12. Victimhood as a weapon 13. The Victorious Christian 14. Practical exercise towards freedom. 15. Restore your trust in God. 16. Why God allows difficulties. 17. Church Tribulations 18. Final Victory 19. Afterword
Freedom from victimhood and long-term trauma does not just lie in the head; more parts of our body are affected. The whole body stores negative memories. All humans have cellular memory. It can even change our DNA. Countless instincts and reactions occur bodily before even our thoughts have registered what has happened.
Medical professionals are studying how heart transplants, transfer cellular memory from the deceased to the recipient of the donation.
(https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31739081/, https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-a-cellremember/ )
Many recipients of transplants have claimed to have experienced a change in food preferences and other personality traits. There is still a lot that is unstudied and misunderstood on this topic. More research is needed to see just how much our life decisions affect our cells and even our DNA.
Recovering from sin and trauma is not just a mental exercise; it must involve the whole body.
Recent discoveries have found that our gut has a type of brain of its own. “Scientists call this little brain the enteric nervous system,” with “more than 100 million nerve cells” (https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/the-brain-gut-connection)
Although we cannot change what has happened to us and to others, we can work with our bodies to achieve more harmony and strength. That is why what we eat can also be tied to our healing. If we are constantly triggering the nervous system through an unhealthy lifestyle, it will also make it harder to overcome mental challenges.
The heart is also similar to our brains and sends signals to them. It has its own “little brain or intrinsic cardiac nervous system”. (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31728781/). These are just examples of how involved our whole body is in not only our traumas but also our healing.
Although many would like to think that recovery from trauma just involves “talking with a therapist,” it does not. A man can endure countless traumas without succumbing to their after effects if his or her nervous system is strong. We cannot change the past, but we can somewhat improve our health, and the health that is connected to the mind is in such a way that for some, it is about whether they can manage their lives or not.
Finding mental freedom from victimhood therefore involves practical exercises as well as mental ones.
In the world, we have doctors who heal the body and mental health workers who aim to heal the mind, but doctors rarely understand the physical harm mental trauma has left on a patient and can not offer much help until the body fully develops the diseases from all the stress. This can take time, yet the body is sick long before. Likewise, a mental health worker can help you work on your mind, but unless the body is included, you will not really recover. The body will work against your mind. Most patients continue to struggle and focus on their issues after therapy. You cannot entirely understand what has happened to you without understanding how it is affecting your entire body. To get the strength to move on with life, it is significant to consider working on the body, mind, and spirit.
Everything is connected; every little part of our body has experienced those traumas, not just our mind. Your body is one, and therefore one part won’t suffer without every other part taking part in the suffering.
The reason alternative health workers are so popular, even when shunned by doctors and psychiatrists, is that most people who struggle with trauma understand the importance of connecting the mind and body. When there is no proper help that involves both, they desperately seek help from alternatives. This leads many into the hands of exploiters, quacks, occultists, and people in it for money. Many empty their pockets in vain, but some does find help with alternatives. If the medical world had not been so determined to keep doctors and mental health workers separate to uphold traditional roles and status, the need for alternative practices would not have been so pressing.
When sin started spreading among people in the world, it changed human nature from balanced to imbalanced. Our minds are now trained to think and act destructively. Our bodies are trained to fear and act on that fear. Growing up with childhood trauma leads to real handicaps stemming from the long-term stress on the brain and body. Although you might not heal completely, it is possible to obtain strength enough to live a good life and not continue the destructiveness inflicted upon you.
When Christ returns, He has promised to restore our bodies to their original and intended perfect state: “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself” (Phil 3:20-21).
Although our bodies are weak, that does not mean we cannot reflect Christ.“For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb 4:15-16).
Christ was under extreme circumstances for many years but did not sin. To many, His victory seems judgmental to those who do sin, but Christ wanted to pave the way for us and give us hope with His victory, not to boast.
Christ came as a human like us but did not let the evil that came over Him change Him or cause Him to harm others, and this is what He wants for us.“For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh” (Rom 8:2-3)
Christ has paved the way for us to do as He did through the help of the Spirit. What is broken and causes us to lose control can be replaced by the Spirit, so we can still do what is right, even if our instincts want us to do what is wrong.
Reaching out to God for help is, therefore, the first step in our recovery.
Understanding how our bodies work is also very useful.
If the body is stressed, we will get sick, and so finding strength in reacting to what happens in the right way not only prevents a trauma survivor from causing more hurt and damage, but it will also give them peace and better health.
Just like someone who has lost a leg has to adjust to their handicap, so does a trauma survivor. It is more work to not have a leg, get up, and find accessibility. It requires coming to terms with the fact that more must be done than putting on shoes and running out of the house. Someone who has lost a leg cannot say one day, “I am so sick of not having a leg; today I will deny I lost a leg and live as if I have two”. His delusions will not change his handicap. So, it is with a trauma survivor. Pretending they do not have weaknesses is not going to make them go away. Although they should not constantly focus on their weaknesses, they must respect that they have them. If not, it will lead to unwanted confrontations and a buildup of anger or anxiety that will be aimed at the wrong people.
A Trauma survivor who are still afflicted by their experiences should consider taking conscious precautions to handle their everyday life.
Many victims want to change their surroundings and other people, even politics, in the confused notion that if the world’s “outside” changes, their “inside will heal”. However, as long as a sin is in the world, we cannot remove things that will trigger us completely. And if we are triggered easily, it is a sign that we have not healed. To make a silly example to illustrate the point. A person struggling with obesity cannot find healing in banning cakes and stopping others from enjoying them. Many people with long-term trauma have similar demands that are unreasonable to others. If healthy, productive people must adjust their lives as if they were sick people too, then progress ends there. Progressing means learning from mistakes and continuing to move forward, and society must do that. It cannot adjust to mental illness and act on trauma when creating legislation and opportunities. Then the sick are not really cured; they only have a delusion of a cure, and all the healthy individuals are prevented from excelling and progressing. As Christians, we are to make the world a better place by acting out Christ’s principles and by being an example and an inspiration. To promote health, healing, and even forgiveness.
If we truly want healing, we must make changes in our lives, bodies, and minds. The following are some practical training that professionals have discovered about the human body that can help us regain some of our bodily and mental strength.
Self-care to regain control over your body:
Too many harsh rules can lead to desperation.
Before showing some dietary changes that can help it is important to first address that even these advices has to be approached with cution. A trauma victim can feel desperate if life becomes too strict, hard, or full of rules. It can even trigger their trauma of feeling captive and subdued. And so, some will struggle with rules that don’t have an “escape route”. This is because trauma sits in the body. Escape, for many who have been trapped in long-term trauma situations, has been food. Food is one of the most commonly used tools for selfsoothing and self-comfort. The body will therefore naturally fight any rules that deprive you of the food you use for comfort. If you take away the “escape” and stress reliever that food can be, many feels unsafe and suppressed all over again. It is important to consider all these things and to understand oneself completely. If the cure feels traumatic, there will be a problem. Healthy rules can feel abusive, especially when breaking them has brought stress relief before. Know yourself; therefore, consider this and allow yourself to feel in control over the healthy advice you follow.
If you are too strict, you will fail. If you are not strict at all, you will fail too.
Find the area or space where you feel in control while doing what is right for your body.
Again, it is crucial to not just remove everything that is giving you stress relief without replacing it with other things that can give you relief. If you don’t take these considerations, you might feel desperate or end up with a nagging anxiety while making life changes.
Consider that you need stress-relieving hormones if you have a lot of inner stress. Just look for a healthy way to get them. Don’t make your body choose between illness from food and illness from stress. Give it the third option: healthy stress relief and food that is healthy for you.
Find motivation in gaining freedom over your emotional stress, thoughts, and reactions. Finding motivation is your turning point; without it, you can do little, and will not succeed.
For those who struggle with loving themselves, taking care of themselves might not be motivation enough. You can’t succeed with a healthy change without wishing yourself well. Understanding God’s love for you, the value you have in His eyes, and dwelling on His compassion and desire to save you can help with motivation.
If you struggle to love yourself, rest in His love.
If someone feels worthless, or make others feel worthless, Christ compared it to murder, because in a way it is (Mat 5:22). If we allow ourselves to feel worthless, we won’t care for our needs and won’t be motivated to do ourselves right. The feeling of worthlessness takes away all motivation. The mind and body are connected. We cannot obtain physical or nerve health with a sick mind. Likewise, we cannot obtain a healthy mind with a sick, irritated body. The road to recovery begins with valuing ourselves like God does and not like those who mistreated us did.
“For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones” (Isa.49:13)
“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray” (James 5:13).
If you stumble on your way to recovery, remember that God is not condemning you but cheering on you to make it.
“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you” (1.Pet.5:7).
The following dietary advices can help strengthening physical and mental strength, but make sure you are motivated.
The physical part: Ways to help the healing of the nervous system:
There is not one uniform solution for every case, but there are things that help improve the mental health of everyone. Although changing habits and denying yourself the food and drink you crave might seem troublesome, remember that freeing your mind means taking control and regulating the body. You need to teach your body to do the right thing; don’t let the body teach your mind. If you do, then your taste buds will tell you candy is “good for you” because it tastes delicious. The body has memory, and if it normally gets its nutrition from unhealthy foods, it will crave them and make you feel like you can’t live without them. If you start feeding your body healthy, nutritious food instead, after only a few weeks (for some, even days), your body will actually “change its memory” and start craving healthy food instead. Your body just wants nutrition and will urge you to continue eating so it can get it. That is why you must be the master of your body and teach it what food to crave by what you give it. Every so often the body asks for food when it is thirsty if it is used to getting most of its fluid from food and not water.
You cannot trust your body; you must teach it. Consider your body like a pet dog. It will act on instinct and misbehave if you do not train it to obey you. You must impute the right instincts so that you can trust your dog.
You tell your body what is good, and after a while, you will regain control, and it will work with you instead of against you. For some, it might be a bigger battle than others. Especially if food has been used to regulate emotions and hormones. It can still be done; only prepare yourself to replace unhealthy food with healthy food by making sure you have other ways of regulating emotions and hormones in addition, or your body will get stressed during the transition.
The gut is sometimes called the “second brain” because it contains many nerve cells that produce many neurotransmitters and signaling molecules, including dopamine.
If you have damage that makes it hard to regulate emotions, it is important to stay away from things that irritate the nervous system. If this is done, you will have more strength to handle minor daily conflicts. You don’t have to “lose control” and snap at “the postman”. Eating “nerve-friendly” food can make a great difference.
Caffeine has a negative influence on the nervous system as well, and it is important to avoid it altogether if you struggle with nerves. Just remember that the first few days, even weeks off caffeine, you might feel the nervous system is even more hardwired. Typically, it can get worse before it gets better. So don’t give up too fast. In a transition period, make sure your everyday life is not filled with stress and challenges. It can be hard to adjust at such times. Pick a time when you can afford to take the extra time needed to relax enough to not feel overpowered and worse off by the habit changes. Remember, if you get even a little victory over the things that irritate your nerves, it will help the mental training you need to go smoother. But do not do mental training in the middle of a transition, as this will increase bodily stress.
Eating late in the evening causes the stomach to work on digesting food while you sleep, which means your body will have less rest than it needs. Rest is critical for a trauma survivor, so make sure you don’t eat for the last few hours before you go to sleep if you want an optimal night’s rest.
Constantly snacking and eating too many meals also irritate the nervous system. Pick one to three meals per day that are not too large and that are not too hard for your digestion. If you have to do physical labor, you might need more food than if you work sitting still. Your food intake should reflect how active you are. If you want to eat big meals, eat them early in the day and not late in the afternoon. The earlier you have your last meal, the better. Try at least to avoid it after 18:00, so the body can work on digesting most of the meal before you go to bed. It’s hard to change the first few days, but the body learns, and you will stop being hungry in the evening if you teach your body not to.
If you have an eating disorder following your trauma that makes you eat too little (anorexia), it is important not to let this advice be used to further your illness. Many people with anorexia can easily adapt to changes like these in an unhealthy way and make food their religion. So, for an anorectic, it is important to eat more often if needed. If you must eat late, choose the easiest food to digest, like fruit.
A long-term trauma survivor needs their body to rest when it is supposed to; they cannot gamble as much as a healthy individual without suffering for it. So, letting the stomach rest, especially at night and between meals, is crucial for the nervous system to be under control.
If you eat things that constantly irritate the body, it will be harder for you to control sudden emotions and regulate your nerves. Many trauma survivors struggle with irritable bowel disorders. If you feel you’re struggling to digest the food or have pain after eating, consult a doctor for a diagnosis or follow your “gut”. There are special diets needed for people with irritable bowel disorders, and if not followed, the nervous system will struggle. Some vegetables are only healthy if you are well. If you have an irritable bowel disorder, you cannot eat these types of food groups and maintain a calm nervous system at the same time.
Many trauma survivors prefer gluten-free products, not because they have a gluten allergy, but because they have undiagnosed irritable bowel syndrome or insulin intolerance. If you struggle with your stomach, consult a doctor to make sure you know what foods irritate your system, so you can stay away from them daily. If your doctor does not take you seriously, find another who does. Plenty of doctors don’t understand how to consider all symptoms to be related, and some can easily dismiss the bodily struggle of a trauma survivor. Don’t take it personally; it is just ignorance. A Christian doctor might be more helpful in understanding how a wounded soul struggles with normal bodily functions, as the Bible has always connected the two.
Drinking enough water is also important for gut health. Make sure you often drink and don’t dehydrate yourself. Your body needs pure, clean water to function at its best. Your digestion is closely tied to your nerves and your ability to cope with challenges better, so take it seriously if you want to gain more control.
Alcohol also affects the nervous system and does no one any favors. In the old days, alcohol was often given to distressed women to calm them down. However, the little temporary relief you experience using alcohol to calm your nerves will just be followed by even more struggles afterward. A hangover is not great for the nerves. Consider avoiding alcohol as part of your medicine.
It is not a secret that a good deal of domestic violence is caused by consuming alcohol. It will also tip over someone with unresolved trauma, as many abusers have.
Long-term stress and weight gain
If you have had long-term stress, your body might struggle with insulin intolerance. If this is your situation, eat a low-carb diet if possible. You will notice that you have this issue if you eat as normally as others but suffer weight gain or struggle to lose weight even on a low-calorie diet. In this situation, a low carbohydrate diet might be the only thing that can help you regain control over your weight.
Eating unhealthy foods often gives you dopamine, so remember to get your dopamine differently so that you do not feel more stressed while cutting out the wrong foods.
Ways to get dopamine healthily are through exercise, eating protein, getting enough sleep, listening to the right music, direct sunlight, massage, relaxation exercises, and other such things.
If you can, stay away from saturated fats, as they are disruptive and cause your body to fool itself into thinking you are not full when you are full. Saturated fat causes us to overeat.
“As we consume food, the brain releases the neurotransmitter dopamine as a messenger to the central nervous system. The dopamine activates specific neural circuits to tell us we are full and feel content. During his postdoc, Fordahl measured dopamine neurotransmission in response to diets high in saturated fat and found significant reductions in regular dopamine message delivery” (https://www.uncg.edu/research/nutrition-professor-high-saturated-fat-diets/)
If you eat meat, skip the fat, just like God commanded in the Torah. (Lev.7:25) A lot of meat products are filled with fat, like sausages and burger patties. Remember, if you feel panicked about avoiding some of these foods, remind yourself that this panic is instinct-based and will slowly go away the more healthy you eat. It is about repetition and patience, your body will learn and start craving the food that helps you heal.
Sugar:
Sugar triggers addiction. If you struggle with being addicted to certain foods or even drugs, consider cutting out sugar completely from your diet. It, too, irritates your nervous system and triggers negative behavior.
Sugar feels good; it gives you a high, the body briefly rewards you, and then it will bring you down again.
Sugar releases opioids and dopamine, and you feel rewarded and happy when you first eat it. It works on your body just like drugs do, and when you try to quit eating it, many will experience withdrawal symptoms. This can include headaches, muscle pain, and even depression. However, if you pull through and don’t give in, these symptoms will go away.
Sugar works on us similarly to heroin. It is an addiction, and the body is constantly irritated by this addiction.
(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2235907/ )
Being a long-term trauma survivor with a sugar addiction means you will struggle with behavioral issues tied to the addiction. An irritated body will cause you to be an irritated person if you don’t get your “fix”. The more our moods are controlled by what we eat, the less the Holy Spirit can impress us.
If you want control over your physical and mental health, stay away from sugar or only eat it in controlled settings. If you have a past sugar addiction, even a taste can make you lose control again, just like an alcoholic. Be cautious, but if you fail, don’t give up. Again, the body learns through repetition. If you keep rejecting its unhealthy urges, even if you fail now and then, it will still have a positive effect eventually.
If you absolutely want sugar, try to plan to have it when you are going on a hike instead of in front of the TV, if you are forced to skip a meal because of a busy schedule or a similar situation where you are active when you eat it.
Rest enough
Go to bed early and get up early. Make sure you get melatonin naturally by getting up early in the morning and going outside. This will help you sleep in the evening, as melatonin production is what makes us sleepy. Pills can ruin your natural production, but they can be used for a couple of days to help you get into the right habit if you can’t do it the natural way. The pills can have side effects, though, so stay away if you can.
People in the old days experienced a lot of trauma and hardship, but they had an advantage we do not have today. They did not have a TV, a phone, or other screens to keep them up longer than they should. Turn off your screens a couple of hours before bed to make sure you can fall asleep. For a long-term trauma survivor, getting enough sleep is important. Our modern age is destroying the weak and weakening them by taking their sleep away. Many who suffer from depression sit up late at night in front of screens and sleep away the first hours of the day. Losing melatonin production also reduces the immune system. It is a lose-lose situation on all ends. Just regaining the sleeping hours before midnight can strengthen you more than you can imagine.
Remember, following these rules helps you not snap at your family and neighbors for little things. A calm, rested body gives you the chance to think calmly before you speak and act. This will make you happier because you will have less to regret, it will make others happier, and you will have more inner peace. A Christian trauma survivor should want this more than anything. Work with God, not against Him. In addition to nightly rest, God has also commanded a weekly rest , the Sabbath. If the creator deems it necessary for many to take time away from their struggles and everyday lives once a week, He knows what He is talking about. God’s Sabbath is part of the rest humanity needs to conquer stress. “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.” (Psa.4:8)
If you have a lot of inner stress and struggle to find your calm when going to bed, try to read a real book instead of an e-book, social media, or entertainment. The real book will also help silence the racing thoughts and put your head in a more calm state. Calm classical music might also help.
Lastly, if there are important events or additional stressful situations, make sure to add more time to rest to be able to handle them.
In the Bible, we see Christ choosing solitude in prayer after hard work (Mark.6:30-32), when grieving a loss (Matt.14:1.13), before making an important decision (Luke 6:12-13) and in times of distress (Luke 22:39-44). Even Jesus had to add time for healing to his schedule to gain the strength He needed (Luke 5:16).
Calm exercise.
Exercise is important, but make sure you do not stress your body. Choose exercise that is not too hard, like walking or cycling in nature. Don’t rush or overdo anything if you are a long-term trauma survivor.
Use breathing techniques. Get healthy air, practice, and train your breathing. Stress makes oxygen intake lower, and you need to try to compensate by considering your breathing.
Although a Christian should not do yoga because of the religious aspect and its connection to idol worship, we should not be afraid to do a similar slow-paced workout with breathing techniques.
Yoga is good for stress because it harmonizes with the body’s needs that God has created. Take back what belongs to God and cut out the religious and sexually loaded poses.
Meditation is in the Bible, but it is about meditation on God’s goodness and love:
“And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide” (Gen.24:23)
“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee” (Isa. 26:3)
If you do not have stress damage, you can easily do more heavy and fast-paced exercise.
Everyone is in bad shape when they start exercising, so don’t do too much too fast. Work slowly. Going for a walk for 3 hours the first day you start will leave your body stressed and exhausted, and you’ll be less likely to go for another walk the next day. So be smart and start slow. Train the body. It will be able to handle more and more. But if you struggle with constant emotional stress in your life, be careful not to exercise too intensely, or it will have the opposite effect and increase anxiety.
Exercise releases stress-relieving hormones and will help you feel less need to gain those hormones through eating and other unhealthy, destructive habits.
(https://medlineplus.gov/ency/patientinstructions/000807.htm ; https://www.everydayhealth.com/fitness/are-you-exercising-too-much-heres-how-to-tell-and-why-itcan-be-risky/ )
Remove yourself from destructive people.
If you are with an abusive spouse, friend, boss, co-worker, or family, and there is no hope of them changing, you should leave. Staying under constant stress long term is only ever harmful. If you are trapped in a harmful situation, ask someone for help. There are places everywhere that help victims. Don’t be afraid of change. No one should live in an abusive relationship. It is not your fault if they do not wish to see a reason or change. Choose freedom if it is possible. Only the strongest person can survive suppression and not be affected by it. Most cannot.
Christ quoted Isaiah regarding His mission: “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound” (Isa.61:1, Luk 4:18) When Jesus quoted this verse, it came out differently in the New Testament transcript. It says Christ said: “to preach deliverance to the captives” instead of “prison to those who are bound”. The meaning is the same, though. The good news here is the Greek word: “εὐαγγελίζω” meaning the gospel, to evangelize. Christ knows suppression is like sin afflicting the body, and he wants to set us free from both sin and stress. It is part of the gospel.
Many do not want to leave because the person who abuses them keeps crying and asking for forgiveness. It seems unchristian to deny them that forgiveness, and so many Christians stay.
Consider this: that you might be a temptation for them, that you tempt them to lose control, and that you help them by leaving and forcing them to solve their issues outside the abusive relationship. You do not help or rescue anyone by helping their repetitive patterns by engaging in their role-playing. If an abuser is stuck in a repetitive pattern with you, removing yourself from the situation might actually help them. We don’t always know our own good, especially abusers. Every so often, it is best for them that you leave, as well as for yourself. It does not have to be an act of hate; it can be an act of love. People get stuck in unhealthy role-plays all the time, some worse than others. Notice if you have taken on a repetitive role in your abuser’s cycle, and find a way to step out of that role. If you are strong enough to cut your part in the “role play” and wish to stay, you might help the other person that way.
Jesus said: “Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee” (Matt.18:8) This seems to be meant metaphorically, which makes the statement fit also inter-human relations. To detach yourself from who and what is causing the problem if you are not strong enough to handle or help them.
Staying in a repetitive, abusive situation is not going to save that person, and it won’t save you. You are not good because someone else is bad. You will only truly know yourself outside of an abusive relationship. A person who easily claims victimhood might even trigger an abuser to abuse them, so they can maintain their “role-play”. A victim can abuse and inspire an abuser to abuse too. Especially in relationships between a man and a woman. It is not uncommon for a male trauma survivor to act out trauma behavior violently, and a woman to act out hers in a manipulating way. Trauma victims find each other, and the woman manipulates and the man physically retaliates, but both trigger each other to destruction.
A victim can be a bad person. All in all, God will judge in the end. But if two people are in a destructive role-play pattern, both are served by separation, whether it is child and parent, husband and wife, boss and employee, or other relations. Either if you have no fault or if you do trigger the other with your trauma response, it might be best to leave for both parties.
If there is no hope or willingness (shown in acts and communication) to change, separation is the only healthy solution.
Too often, women who have been sexually abused by their father bring their daughters to be babysat by their parents, apparently clueless that their daughters will be abused as well. The willingness to forgive and forget easily can, at worst, be directly harmful to others. In such a situation, the only right thing to do is to separate the family and daughters(sons) from the father. Christianity is not about harming or allowing harm to come to others; it is about saving people from harm and destruction.
In such a case when truth and sin collide, Jesus allows even family bonds to be destroyed: “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Mat 10:34-37).
Don’t pay trauma forward.
Choose your battles. If you experience constant unfairness growing up in a toxic situation, you may fall into the trap of getting offended by every person that comes your way.
For instance, the person who took your parking space, a cake divided unequally, or someone giving you more of the work in an assignment at work. It can be a look someone gives you. It can be something as silly as someone walking in your lane on the pavement and forcing you to step to the side.
Every little thing triggers the adult who once was a child who could not speak up against unfairness. So many people start making little things in their everyday lives an emotional battle. They fight for justice in every little aspect of life.
Although it is typical trauma language, it is also, unfortunately, what can make you an awful human being.
We cannot shout at someone who unthoughtfully cut the line in the fast-food restaurant because of unfairness done to us in the past.
A Christian should have tolerance, but as a trauma survivor, tolerance can be hard. Because if you are the woman shouting at the children in the streets who are a little loud, you are acting out a large injustice done to you in the past upon a small injustice done that day.
It is also self-destructive. If you get emotionally involved in every little injustice committed throughout the day or week, you will lose your strength and ability to handle the larger and more difficult problems.
It is therefore important for a long-term trauma survivor to be conscious of this. Fighting unnecessarily battles makes you an unloving person, and you lose the strength needed to take care of people in your life because of a situation that really doesn’t matter.
So, if a car is parked close to your trunk that you need to open, it is not critical. It is a minor inconvenience. The man or woman who did this is not your perpetrator, not someone who is after you or wants to take your rights from you. They are just thoughtless. It does not matter why they did it. We are all thoughtless. Don’t attack people who make little mistakes or are unfair about little things. Love them and have empathy for them. Be kind in return. They are not part of your trauma, and they should not pay the price for it. It solves nothing to pick every battle we run into and make it our fight for world justice.
It will drain you completely and make you feel like you are under constant threat. Some who choose this path can even end up with paranoia because there is so much to be triggered by that it might end up looking like a targeted conspiracy. Remember, people who are afraid are also selfish, this includes you too. When you are afraid, you act on instinct, selfishly, for your survival. You don’t see things as you should, to the benefit of all. You do not see things clearly.
Many act this way because they could not protect themselves in the past, they could not fight the injustice done to them, and they compensate by fighting it now in all the wrong places with all the wrong people.
This makes the world a more unsafe place if everyone does this.
As a Christian trauma survivor, it is not the way to be.
Neither is it healthy for you or those in your life.
Save your strength for the greater battles—the necessary ones. And try to focus, when triggered in public, on your need for justice and try to see things from other perspectives. Show grace, patience, and tolerance instead. Gain strength from these little events rather than lose it. Choose Christ’s method: turn the other cheek.
Be conscious and aware of your issue, and have a mental response ready for these small injustices. Whether it is prayer, counting to ten, using a sense of humor, or repaying thoughtlessness with kindness, whatever calms you down.
Choose your battles.
The mental part:
Strengthening the mind
When we work to give our bodies their strength back, we can’t forget the mind. As previously mentioned, challenge yourself slowly with tasks that boost your confidence and give you a feeling of regaining control.
A new hobby, learning a new skill, and practicing conquering smaller fears first. It could be just approaching a spider instead of running from it. It could be learning a new craft. Pick something that is less typical of what you normally do.
Trauma survivors tend to have many phobias and fears because they struggle with their self-confidence and the feeling of not having control over what happens to them. This means there is a lot to start with. If you have irrational fears and you know they are irrational, that is a good place to start. Teach your mind by doing the thing you fear, teach it that you are in charge. Make the body trust you and experience that what you irrationally feared did not happen. And if it did, then you came out of it fine.
Whether it’s jumping from the diving board at the swimming pool you thought looked a bit scary or something more challenging like climbing. You can use many small obstacles in life that you normally avoid as training. All to build up your self-esteem and confidence. This is training the brain.
Always set a new goal ahead of you. Don’t set a goal that is too hard, as that might have the opposite effect and make you feel useless. Be reasonable. If your goal is not possible to reach, you are selfsabotaging when you set it. It will become a confirmation of the self-destructive thought that you cannot accomplish anything or do anything right.
Start with goals you can achieve with some effort and mental training. Don’t give up. If you give up too easily, you train your mind to think you were right all along, and you can’t do anything right. Continue, or put it aside and change it for another goal. The point is that if you have no self-confidence, it has to be trained.
Many trauma survivors also struggle with social anxiety. Here, training in social settings is better than just hiding away. A social setting where you all are doing an activity might be a good place to start.Then you will not feel the focus is on you, but on the task you all must do. If you are trying a new hobby, you will meet other people who are trying it as well, and you will be on the same level working for the same goal. These are good situations to train social anxiety, as less aimless, unpredictable small talk is needed and is replaced with more focused, theme-targeted conversations. Adjust this advice to what triggers your social anxiety the most, and create a plan that fits your situation best.
There are so many ways to meet fears, and usually, you can face them by using a little cleverness and by approaching the fears from an angle instead of head-on. Finding and acting on a solution to solve your specific challenges will help you regain some self-confidence.
Make sure you are always moving forward. Every little or big goal you set for yourself and actively pursue will help you heal and give you back your mental freedom. Celebrate every victory.
Write lists with challenges you can and wish to do; make sure the list is always full, and you do as many as you can. The more you challenge your fears or “feelings of doom”, the faster your mind will adjust.
Learn to understand yourself.
Trauma victims have learned in their abuse situation that making even small errors can have terrible consequences and this might trigger the fear of failing later on. You cannot change the past; only the present and future. Fight the temptation to feel bad every time you fail at something. Consider the process that led up to the failure as a teaching lesson. View failure not as a defeat but as a learning tool. A mistake is something you do, not something you are. Understand that you are in a body that is stressed by sin, and it does not work optimally, so you will fail at some point. All do. It does not have to take your courage away. When you fall, get back up and keep moving.
Don’t sit in the hole you fell into and attack yourself for falling into it. This is something many trauma survivors do. They can even easily advise others to “get back up” and not be overwhelmed by failure, but they are too hard on themselves. Follow your advice. Give yourself the compassion you offer others. Say as the prophet Micah: “Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me” (Mic 7:8).
Understand hormones and how they work; learn to work with your body instead of just being led by it. If it has a need, find good ways to give it what it needs, instead of quick solutions. You can have trauma triggers without knowing it, and the only thing you experience is a need for relief. This is when many grab food, drugs, porn, and other easy solutions. Once you feel this sudden urge, ask yourself where it came from. Be conscious that something might have triggered you, and be prepared to give your body the stress relief it truly needs. Your body remembers things about your trauma that you have forgotten. It can be triggered by a smell, a scent, a color, an expression on a stranger’s face, a word, or many other things that are harmless. You are not in danger, but your body gets stressed all the same because of the trigger. A long-term trauma survivor should be conscious that the body has more triggers than we are aware of, and every so often the body doesn’t tell us what triggered it, only that it is stressed. Understanding the body’s language and taking control of what the body asks of us can help us get less stressed and use fewer quick solutions. Have a plan ready for when you feel a trigger.
Put the blame where it belongs.
This is perhaps the most crucial point for recovery, and there is no complete recovery without it. A Christian victim might fool themselves into thinking that taking the blame for harm upon themselves is humility and charity. God’s plan of salvation and sanctuary service is clear. We are not to be the bearers of others’ sin. That will not save them or us. We might think that because Christ took our sin upon Himself, we are good Christians if we take others’ sin upon us. What we really do is excuse sin and even justify it. Taking the blame for something that is not our fault is not charity to the abuser; it is preventing the abuser from giving their sin to Jesus. True Christendom is therefore helping the transgressor see their fault and pointing to Christ as a place for them to relieve this guilt.
The world has rejected God, and many struggle to carry their sin burdens, and so they put the blame on others. Some are willing to carry this burden. Family members who have been scapegoats in their dysfunctional families might continue to feel guilt that is not theirs even in adulthood.
The popular term gaslighting comes from this phenomenon, where instead of admitting and acknowledging one’s fault, it is blamed upon another.
The apology: “I am sorry how you feel about what I did”, rather than “I am sorry I did that to you,” is another way of diverting blame. Those who apologize in this way claim that it is how their actions are perceived that is the “sin” and not their actions. Thus, they make the other take the blame for their actions.
It is very tempting to find innocence in blaming the others’ sensitivity rather than your insensitivity.
We humans want to perceive ourselves as the good guys, especially Christians, and with that comes the temptation to see the problems in others rather than in ourselves. On the other side of the specter are survivors who are trained to take the blame and feel safe just blaming themselves to avoid confrontations. Both do wrong, and both hinder the right person from taking responsibility.
Mankind has many ways to divert sin, but only one brings salvation. That is, confessing it, taking responsibility for it, and then giving it to Jesus. There is no other way to be saved.
Many play a game with Christ as well. Instead of confessing that we have sinned against God, we try to make it God’s fault in some way. God reacts as any healthy person would when given the blame for something we choose to do:
“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us” (1Jn 1:8-10)
For many, who, for instance, grew up in unloving homes, the punishment did not fit the crime. For these children, hiding and explaining away sin was a survival method. And it is practiced in every aspect of their adult lives. Diverting blame, excusing wrongs, and blaming others.From a biblical standpoint, this will not remove our sin.
Only by acknowledging and taking responsibility for our sins can we be free from them.Diverting blame and taking others’ blame are both trauma responses that we should deal with to have a good spiritual life and a good relationship with others.
If someone wrongs you, they carry full responsibility for that act. You carry full responsibility for yourself. In the Bible, we are judged by a standard God has set for all mankind. From this standard, we are to evaluate right from wrong and confess our wrongs.
By having a firm standard for right and wrong that is not obscure and uncertain, we can know who is in the wrong.
If someone has hurt us, and we are struggling to recover from it, make sure you put the blame for those actions on that person. You can forgive them, give them new chances, and even try to understand what underlying reason caused them to act in such a way. All is good for empathy and love. But what you must not do is call the “wrong” a “right” to acquit them or justify them. Or try convincing yourself that it “was not that bad”. Once you start down that path, you will slowly begin to blur the borders of right and wrong and create blurred lines. These same blurred lines will harm yourself and others. If what another did that was bad is called less bad, then your reaction to it will be part of the problem, and thus blame has been wrongly diverted.
If you own a store and a thief steals all the valuables, it does not matter where he comes from, what brought him to that point, or if you owned the store through privilege. The act of stealing is still an act of stealing no matter why, how, or when it happens.
It is the same with acts that cause other forms of trauma. An act of cruelty is an act of cruelty, and kindness is kindness. We must call it what it is to find peace. If we do not, we suffer confusion and anxiety as a result.
Blaming ourselves for things that were out of our control will not give us healing. Make sure you don’t lesson others’ guilt by carrying part of it for the sake of peace.
You cannot take another person’s blame and then ask God for forgiveness for it as if it were your crime. You will have to continue carrying the sense of guilt and blame that you took upon yourself until you give it back where it belongs. Give the responsibility to the perpetrator; only ask for forgiveness for your sin, and leave the perpetrator to ask God for forgiveness for his own. You can, of course, pray to God to help them see their sin and for God to be merciful and patient with them.You can pray to God to give them more chances. That is a different matter than taking blame that is not yours.
It is not true Christianity to make evil appear good, for when we do that, we will at the same time make good appear evil. The two go hand in hand and cannot be separated. Justifying evil means questioning what is good. If we make excuses for sin, we defend its existence.
Therefore, in the Bible, we see a God who gives no excuses for sin, a God who does not move an inch from His principles. The moment He does, He will have defended the existence of sin and then also legitimized it. By refusing to do this, He is upholding each human being’s worth and rights to be loved and to be free.
On our road to recovery, we too must not confuse right and wrong, take blame that is not ours, or give blame to others that doesn’t belong to them.
By taking responsibility and making others do the same, we can regain part of the sanity lost by the confusion created by the harmful acts.
Many people in mental institutions would have regained sanity only by being acquitted of wrongful blame and seeing the perpetrator held responsible. Placing blame in the wrong places creates anxiety, fear, apathy, self-destructiveness, and even madness.
Freedom is following the plan shown in God’s sanctuary. You can experience temporary freedom by diverting blame, but your body remembers, and the peace will not last.
To summaries:
Your body:
– Take care of your gut
– Avoid things that irritate the nervous system
– Get enough rest
– Exercise
– Breathe
– Hydrate.
– Find stress relievers that are not destructive. Don’t pay trauma forward.
Your mind:
– Physically train your mind by challenging small and larger fears to regain mental control and self-esteem
– Make goals
– See your worth
– Remove yourself from bad relationships
– Put blame where the blame belongs. If it is yours, give it to Christ.
The last and most important training is a chapter on its own. It is crucial for healing and regaining a healthy mental balance.
