How do victims communicate? (Part 5)

• This chapter addresses how victims struggle in social situations and with communication.
• How to change or adjust your approach when helping victims by better understanding their verbal and non-verbal communication
• It also addresses different ways victims can harm themselves and those around them because of their own confused state.

1. Introduction 2. The World Is A Battlefield 3. The Church: A Feast for Oppressors? 4. How Did We Become Victims? 5. How do victims communicate? 6. Being a victim of an offense and victimhood 7. Learned Helplessness 8. Victim-blaming 9. God’s solution to sin 10. How Satan uses the Bible to force us to submit to him 11. The Good Shepherd 12. Victimhood as a weapon 13. The Victorious Christian 14. Practical exercise towards freedom. 15. Restore your trust in God. 16. Why God allows difficulties. 17. Church Tribulations 18. Final Victory 19. Afterword

The language of someone who grows up with trauma and meets someone who grew up in a well-functioning family can be compared to two people speaking a different language or coming from two different cultures. Two cultures might express the same emotions differently or with different traditions. While something is considered polite in one country, it might be an insult in another. The best way to combat cultural misunderstanding is to understand the meaning the other person has for what they are expressing or doing. By understanding, fear and insecurities are removed.

Some countries have the same words in their vocabulary, but the meaning is different. For instance, Norway and Denmark both have the word “rar” in their vocabulary. In Norway, it means “strange” or “odd”, but in Denmark, it means “sweet” or “cute”. So while a Danish man might mean to compliment someone with their communication, it might still be perceived as an insult. The only thing that can change how he communicates is perceived is if the other person understands the meaning he uses when using the word. The USA and England both have the word “pissed” in their vocabulary, but in England, it means to be drunk and in the USA it means to be angry. Again, the only way to avoid misunderstanding each other is to understand what the other means by their communication of the same word. This can be compared to communication with victims. Both verbal and non-verbal language might look the same as those expressed by someone who is not a victim, yet it might still mean something entirely different coming from the victim.

The ways victims communicate can also be different from each other, depending on how they deal with what happened. If there was someone to help guide them along the way, or if they had to deal with everything on their own. Plenty of people with troubled pasts seem to find each other because they understand each other better than they understand someone who had a well-functioning childhood. Unfortunately, it can also mean that trauma survivors bond and form relationships where they might bring each other additional pain. There is such a big specter that it is not possible to cover them all here but to bring awareness, I will give some examples. Whether we are trauma survivors or find ourselves communicating with someone who is, the best way to approach it is to understand what is happening and why.

Victims struggle with confrontation.

Bad communication is a source of conflict for the survivor because it creates misunderstandings and triggers a fear response.
Many victims can’t healthily handle confrontation. Confronting a survivor of long-term trauma, even if justified, can lead to a response that appears to the mentally healthy individual as an overreaction. The victim’s response is a survival instinct.
To simplify it, if every time you stepped out of your house you slipped on the stairs and hurt yourselves, you would start avoiding the stairs if there was another way down, or you would change how you walk down the stairs.
If someone sees you, at first glance your slow walk down might appear overly cautious or unnecessary. But our body is learning and reacting accordingly. Had they known that you kept falling down those stairs, they would have understood your behavior. Without understanding, the act seems foolish or an overreaction, but with understanding, it seems sensible. This is just an illustration, but how we view someone is very dependent on information. If we do not have access to it, empathy should be chosen before a judgment that is degrading to the other person. It is the same when we meet a trauma survivor. They can act differently; their body language might be different, even their wording, but a hasty judgment serves no one.
For someone growing up in a difficult home or school situation and having suffered confrontations that were too harsh or overwhelming for the child, they learn to avoid or have a fearful response to confrontations.
Without treatment, a comment such as “Clean up that chocolate paper that you just threw on the ground” can trigger them in a very negative way. They can say nothing and worry about that confrontation all day. Debating you in their heads.
Or they can get angry, shout, and almost seem willing to hit you just for making that comment. Both are trauma responses. One is passive, and the other is aggressive. Therefore, know that a long-term trauma survivor usually always fears, dreads, or avoids confrontations. They have experienced that little issues would end up with large consequences, and so they are alarmed and scared at even small confrontations because their bodies remember the danger of such small confrontations. In abusive homes, even normal behavior can induce anger from the abuser. A look, a noise, or a wrong word could cause the abuser to become abusive, violate them, or mock them. A good number of childhood trauma survivors, therefore, might become defensive or fearful of all sorts of confrontations. Still, they must be confronted with unacceptable behavior, but a lot of work must be done for them to be able to handle it healthily. They do not have an exaggerated response for no reason; their body is trained that way. Confronting them for being wrong might make the situation worse.
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness” (Gal.6:1)
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Pro.15:1)
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Col.3:12).

Victims struggle with ambiguity.

Other trauma triggers can be “ambiguity”. A victim can desire to have control and know and not have to wait for a response. This often comes when a child in an abusive situation learns to be on alert and evaluate everything happening to best adjust to or defend themselves from the threatening situation. The need to be prepared at all times brings an impatient desire to know as much as possible as fast as possible. As an adult, if they feel they can’t read a situation or must wait for a response or an outcome, it can be very triggering. It can be something as innocent as a person taking their time to answer a message or “thinking a little too long” before providing feedback on a request. A moment of awkward silence can cause anxiety. As an adult, not knowing the outcome of a given situation can cause a lot of stress and frustration, and they might not even understand why it does. It can even manifest as ADHD symptoms. They can appear impatient or have a hyper personality when, in fact, they are emotional trauma wounds. Not knowing what is happening in a situation creates emotional stress. Some long-term trauma survivors struggle with small talk because it is disguised communication where it is hard to understand the other person’s intentions and feelings, and it can at worst create an atmosphere of uncertainty.
These types of issues are not standard for everyone but for many. Small talk creates trust in inter-social interaction, but for a long-term trauma survivor, it can create the opposite. They need more to feel safe, and so the small talk can get in the way of a conversation that reveals more about the person they are speaking to, which helps the trauma victim feel more in control over the situation. So, what one person feels brings trust creates the opposite for the other, yet both seek the same thing: to feel comfortable and safe with the other person. Needless tension is created because the two search for the same thing in opposite ways. Instead of mutual trust, mutual distrust is created. Some long-term trauma survivors need to see openness and self-reflection from those they meet, so they know what you are made of. Talking about how much you love your dog and how the dog makes you feel safe, might be better small talk than talking about something non-personal like the weather or the neighbor’s Christmas decorations. Some long-term trauma victims don’t like talking about personal things at all, and so there is not one shoe that fits all. There are even victims who fear all deeper conversations and prefer small talk, afraid the conversation will go into a disagreement and become confrontational. So, it is not possible to say that all have the same experience or the same reaction. Ambiguity can manifest in more than one way.
The best approach is to try to understand the signals the other sends out and respect them. If someone is uncomfortable with small talk, a more meaningful conversation could help. Unfortunately, when someone does not respond well to small talk or gets uneasy in deeper conversations, many avoid them instead of trying to find a different communication approach. This causes survivors to be even more isolated. It should not be hard for someone mentally healthy to quickly evaluate if small talk or deeper topics are what make the victim uneasy, and then choose what makes them the most comfortable. Don’t give up on victims too easily. The most important thing is to not be fake but to be sincere. Someone who has grown up in a toxic family is trained to read faces, and if you are not real, they will know and feel uncomfortable. They do it automatically.
“a man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet” (Proverbs 29:5)
“They speak falsehood to one another; With flattering lips and with a double heart they speak” (Psalm 12:2-3)
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver,” (Proverbs 25:11)

Victims struggle with feedback.

Childhood trauma survivors also struggle with other types of feedback. In a healthy society, complimenting each other is used to communicate and show friendliness. While a survivor can get triggered and fearful of compliments. Especially if they have experienced being mocked as part of the abuse. Often, it is caused by the child growing up where good and bad feedback are mixed. In a toxic, traumatic relationship, a nice word can often be followed by abusive behavior. A compliment is used to manipulate, harm, or put people up against each other. Some have experienced being targeted when they succeed at something or show cleverness. They have learned that they are not allowed to thrive or do good, and are used to hiding it when they do.
When growing up like this, a well-intended and innocent compliment or praise for a good job might trigger a trauma response like silence, alertness, or distrust. In fact most normal people will look happy if you compliment them, if someone looks down and seems uncomfortable there is most likely a reason to be found in their past.
And so, what gains trust between two healthy individuals, causes distrust and insecurity when done to a child trauma survivor. Instead of saying “thank you,” they are desperately trying to figure out your intentions by saying the compliment, so they can protect themselves.

Again, this is not always the case with everyone, as people’s experiences are different. If someone mostly grew up with negativity but had a kind neighbor or grandmother saying nice things to them, they might learn to appreciate it and even long for it. They have a good association with kind words. However, most childhood trauma survivors struggle with any type of feedback. Children growing up with abuse can get terrified if someone gets mad at them as adults. Even if the people who get mad at them do not dream of harming them, they become abusive in the victim’s eyes regardless. This can cause many problems because a victim can have trouble distinguishing between normal and abusive people. So, the person rightfully getting mad at them can be called out as abusive when they are not. It is the victim’s emotions and triggers that now accuse the individual of being something they are not. Many victims are dreaded because of it, as many false accusations can result from it. A sexual abuse victim might misunderstand a friendly pat on the back from their boss, which can cause a false accusation. This is because a victim does not always understand that their perception is influenced by past events. In such cases, the victim causes great harm to those whose intentions are misunderstood.

When Judas betrayed Christ, Jesus said: “Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss?” It is regarded as a terrible betrayal when someone who is hurting you is at the same time apparently flattering you and showing you kindness. A grownup might handle it, but a child is confused by this type of behavior. Giving with one hand and taking with another. Patting someone on the back with one hand and stabbing them with the other. Such abusive behavior can make a child grow up to be very wary of even kind feedback. A kiss can be perceived as a threat instead of an expression of love. If you compliment someone and they look very uncomfortable and struggle to say thank you, they might not be rude, just triggered. Don’t take offense. Find another way to show them you appreciate them if they can’t handle your compliment. The first thing a Christian needs to be aware of and do is to not take everything personally or as a rejection.
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Pro.27:6).

Victims can become passive-aggressive.

Another typical trait seen in victims of childhood trauma is that they often expect or hope people will read their thoughts or read between the lines. Fearing confrontation, they can struggle to voice their needs, and it will continue until adulthood. As an example, a child hoping to get supper but too afraid to ask for it will wait in silence or try subtle hints instead. The less confrontational the child is, the less likely it is to be harmed.
Continuing this way of communicating as an adult is not uncommon, but it leads to repeated disappointment and misunderstanding. People cannot read other people’s minds. Although a parent should know to give their child supper, a friend or a stranger as an adult is likely not to know what they should do or are even obligated to do for another adult. So, the person with the childhood trauma might get offended and even angry with you without explaining why, as that would be too confrontational for them. Many long-term trauma survivors, therefore, become passive-aggressive in their communication.
Even though a victim is responsible for changing their toxic behavior, it can help others understand that some victims might struggle to voice their needs. Showing them a little extra attention and noticing when they show some kind of distress can help meet them halfway and take the burden off their shoulders.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Gal.6:2)
For a victim, it can be good to know that God sees and notices what others do not and to put hope in Him instead.

Many victims struggle with authority figures.

Many long-term trauma victims who are fighters find it easier to confront and challenge an authority figure elsewhere than at home.There are also children who grow up without an authority figure and without healthy borders and are used to doing as they please. They, too, can struggle with authority figures, as it is strange to them to suddenly be following someone else’s lead. The third group that can struggle are those who have “raised themselves” in the sense that they have only ever felt safe in their own company. As such, ending up under someone’s authority can cause anxiety.

The most important thing is to try to understand why someone struggles with something that a mentally healthy individual finds non-threatening. Everyone must be subjected to some authority during their life; trying to find a healthy way to find safety in such a situation is important. Unnecessary authority or rules should be avoided as much as possible, using only what is necessary. If you love telling people what to do and controlling situations, know that many victims will strongly dislike you.
“Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them–not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. … All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” (1.Peter.5:2-5)
By Christ’s ruling method, if followed, a trauma survivor will find safety. Christ does not support those who try to use needless authority to satisfy their ambitions. It only harms others.
“Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (Matt.20:26-28)
If Christ’s advice is followed, more victims will feel safe in the church.

The compliant victim and the different victim expressions

There are victims who are more compliant as well. Not just with authority figures, but with people they meet in life. They have been taught not to fight or to fear fighting someone’s wishes, and so they comply easily and struggle to say no.
It is important to understand that a victim does not behave in just one way. Often, many have doubted victims because they do not behave like typical victims.
Several who survived a kidnapping by serial killers had chosen to be partly compliant and then wait for a chance to escape. One such example is a victim of kidnapping and rape who managed to get away, named Lisa McVey. The killer, Bobby Joe Long, had killed every single other victim but did not kill her. Lisa had been the victim of long-time sexual abuse before the kidnapping and behaved differently than the other victims.
She knew how to survive a sadist. At the same time, she rebelled inside and gathered information against him, so that when she escaped, she helped the police find him and stop further killings. She managed to humanize him and herself, making it hard for him to kill her. Most victims would just fight and lose.
There have been several kidnapping survivors who had a past of abuse that broke the role-play of the kidnapper, leaving them confused.
Victims can confuse and change the game with a criminal, but they can unfortunately also confuse the police and the community. People expect victims to behave in a certain way, and when they don’t, they are not believed. This often happens when a long-term victim is compared to a short-term victim. In the story of Lisa McVey, when she came to the police with her story, she was at first not believed. Because she did not show enough “emotions” and seemed, in their opinion, too overly focused on details for her story to be true. Luckily, she met another policeman who believed her, and this led to the serial killer being caught. McVey’s reaction to her attack was tied to her past abuse and therefore manifested a little differently than other victims.

Another true story was made into a miniseries in the USA. Marie Adler was raped by a stranger, and when she reported it, she was not believed and even pressured to sign a statement saying that what she had said was a lie. When another police force in a different state caught the same rapist, they found evidence on his computer that Adler had been one of his victims. Adler came from foster homes and had seen her share of trouble beforehand, so she did not act like the typical victim either.
Deciding to escape further conflict and confrontation, she confessed to having lied when she had not. The two young girls here mentioned both had trauma in their pasts and were both at first not believed, but one was eagerly trying to catch her perpetrator while the other “gave up” and signed a false declaration that she had lied.
These are extreme situations, but dysfunctional families can also create two different types of victims: the compliant and the rebellious. Often, a victim can go back and forth between being compliant and rebellious and have both traits. Switching between the two can also be a survival skill.

Children who copy their traumatized parents

There are children who have the traits of victims but are not victims of abuse themselves. Rather, it is their parents who are the trauma survivors. Children mimic their parents, especially if they trust and love them. They think this is how the world of communication is, and so they continue the trauma communication, despite not having been through the trauma themselves. This can continue for generations. Unfortunately, many can mistake the children of trauma survivors for victims because of their expressions and then target the parent. It is critical to never make a hasty judgment. Our imagination is not reality. Our guesses are not the truth. The only way to know is to communicate with the people we wonder about.
Some children of Holocaust survivors were indirectly impacted by what their parents had gone through; others were not. Science even shows us that trauma response is genetic.
“A person’s experience as a child or teenager can have a profound impact on their future children’s lives, new work is showing. Rachel Yehuda, a researcher in the growing field of epigenetics and the intergenerational effects of trauma, and her colleagues have long studied mass trauma survivors and their offspring. Their latest results reveal that descendants of people who survived the Holocaust have different stress hormone profiles than their peers, perhaps predisposing them to anxiety disorders” (https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/descendants-of-holocaust-survivors-have-altered-stresshormones/)
Ultimately, this means that someone can be a good parent, but their child might struggle anyway. It also shows how trauma continues to have an impact in many ways other than through social constructs.

Social Anxiety

Some survivors become antisocial, giving up trying to communicate because they keep getting misunderstood and disliked. Many also suffer from social anxiety. Afraid of saying and doing the wrong thing in a social gathering, being used to struggling, or feeling unsafe at social interactions. Many children from dysfunctional homes with abuse have experienced unrealistic demands and unreasonable punishment for not meeting them. As a teen and adult, this can manifest in the worry of not measuring up to people’s expectations. Many, therefore, avoid situations where there can be expectations directed at them. They fear being a disappointment. They feel like a fraud even when they do met someones expectations. Some will even avoid phone calls because there is more pressure on the conversation to flow well, and silence can feel awkward.
“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up”. – Proverbs 12:25, NIV

Victims with identity dysphoria

What modern psychology calls gender dysphoria can have several reasons if we look at it from a spiritual, Christian perspective.
A child normally grows up and identifies with a parent of the same gender. Boys look up to their father differently than girls, as they naturally try to learn manhood from him. It is the same with the girls who copy their mothers. Before, gender roles were clearer than they are now, which makes it easier for children to be confused about what role they are supposed to have. If men and women fill the same roles in society, a child will determine who they admire the most and identify with that. This could be in part why there is so much gender dysphoria in the West, where gender roles are more erased than in other places.
When a home is dysfunctional and the role model is bad or cruel, the child can start feeling strong dissociative feelings towards their gender. They would rather not look, resemble, or be like them in any way. They sympathize with the opposite gender. Despising the gender role model can lead to a feeling of dislike for anything similar in their body. A cruel narcissistic mother can make the daughter feel a dissociation that leads her to wish to be a boy instead. It does not have to be a big trauma. It can be small manipulations that a child feels strongly pressured by and which create disgust to resemble the parent. If one parent appear weak while suffering abuse it can also create distance to the weak gender, and a feeling of empowerment to portray the gender of the abuser. Humans react many different ways to the same trauma.
Even emotionally neglect is abuse that can make a child want to dissociate from their gender. It is a way of rejecting the parent model.
So, what modern psychology calls “body dysphoria,” saying it is not being happy in one’s own body from a spiritual perspective, is a “role model dysphoria”. They don’t respect their parents, and they do not wish to follow in their footsteps.
Many men become transgender after having children. It is very normal for teenagers to look for their identity, but the moment they have children and live within a family system, many start copying their parents in how they communicate with their children, whether they want to or not. An abused son who himself becomes a father might unconsciously despise the role of being a father as it is so closely tied to his own abusive father, and so he dissociates from the image of their father. They start rejecting their “role” and would rather be “a mother”. For some, this means rejecting their gender and even adjusting their physical appearance with surgery. Some parents who change their gender feel and think that their child is safe and will be happier when the bad role model is gone. Because they don’t understand why they feel disgust toward their own gender, they think it is something unexplainable or something they are born with and make it their identity. Many young adults don’t even remember why or when the disgust for their gender role models was created, as they could have been very young.
There is not just one reason behind it, this is just one of many. Plenty of transgender people have been sexually abused and dissociated from the gender they think the abuser found desirable. For an abused girl, becoming a boy will make her feel more secure against further abuse by the same man or other men. They change the dynamic and, by doing so, protect themselves, all on a subconscious level. They follow “the flesh,” or their impulses and feelings, without understanding where these feelings truly originate from.
They are aggressive about being seen as their real selves because their whole trauma-mastering process needs acceptance and approval from others to make them feel safe.
The law in the Bible forbids men to dress as women and women to dress like men; in other words, transgenderism is illegal in the Bible. This seems cruel to many who want their religion to embrace transgenderism. It is seen as a form of hate. However, God does not approve of any method to deal with trauma that causes more sin and stress for the individual and their surroundings. He wants the sin to be dealt with correctly, not in a dissociative way. Any victim who starts a path of self-indulgence will hurt others as well. Although God understands cause and effect, the Bible is clear that God wants to change how sin and abuse are dealt with. If you solve one problem by creating another, you still have problems. The biblical God wants to solve the problem with a healthy solution. God tells us that anyone who sees their father sinning and does not follow in his footsteps is especially blessed by God. (Ezek.18) God recognizes the difficulties someone faces when their parents are bad role models, but he also says it is possible to turn the page and do better.

Many who have been abused sexually try to make themselves unattractive. Some are not hygienic, dress in big clothes, and do what they can to be unattractive. We see that their personalities and lives are still controlled by their trauma. Many dread relationships. While other victims dress to attract sexual partners and find empowerment when they are the ones in control. Victims deal with their pain differently.
In this example, both ways are wrong because both are self-destructive ways of dealing with trauma. God wants to free us and does not want our whole lives to be bound in chains by something bad that happened to us. Or for our decisions or life choices to be trauma responses.

The bad victims: the role players

Although some of these trauma communications are very self-sabotaging and sometimes difficult for people to deal with, there are other responses that are more sinister than even these.
Some victims become abusers and behave as their role models. They feel empowered by switching roles, looking for someone to take their role as the victim so they can play out the role of their abuser. This is more common among men who, by instinct, wish to assume a role of authority. To cope in the most toxic way with trauma, they become the person in authority who once hurt them, and by it, they feel empowered. They relive their trauma by being the strong one, despising the victim self that felt powerless. So many abusive men are well-functioning in society and have a good career and financial situation. They manage not to lose their control by refusing to feel powerless again, as they once did.
Because they are not dealing with their issues the right way, even though they seem to manage outwardly, they become predators. Usually, such people have never dealt with their trauma, spoken of it, or held people responsible. It is a world of survival of the fittest, and they are playing the game by taking on the role of the fittest and crushing the weakest.

Women, too, can take part in this in various ways. Becoming cold and unsympathetic. They would rather not be seen as weak and aim to always have the upper hand over everyone they meet. It is a form of self-hate. They hated being victims; they despised the weakness they once felt. It is a way of blaming themselves for anything bad that happened because they were weaker than the other. This is yet another way of trying to find control over something they cannot control. If it happened because they were weak and they now see themselves as strong, then they feel protected by the likelihood that they won’t get hurt again. They feed off the contempt they feel for their weak selves. Distancing themselves from that part of themselves, they can become heartless toward anyone who is a victim or appears weak. Disliking them empowers them, just as disliking their weaknesses feels empowering.

There are children growing up in abusive families who are seemingly well-adjusted, but it is not as it seems. Many of them copy or mirror others to succeed. They understand they don’t speak the language and are different, yet they find a way to accomplish it by mimicking others and doing what they do, laughing at what they laugh at, liking what they like, and hating what they hate. They are like actors training for a part in a play.
They, too, can cause great harm because, usually, they first mimic the person they want to be like, and then, to have their position, they have to eliminate or alienate them to take over, as you can’t have two with the same roles in a small group. So, when this person is done copying their study, they must change the other or make others perceive that person differently and give them a different role so they can have theirs. Many will feel offended by these types of people as they try to make you out as somebody you are not.
It is a very toxic victim response. They are not themselves, and depending on whom they admire, they try to become that person by staying close to that person and then later pushing them away by forcing upon them another role. Such a person might seem like your best friend and soul mate at first until they decide you have become too much alike and you must go. As part of their behavior, they might want to steal your husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend, as having what you have is part of taking on the role of being you. They would rather not stay imitating you; you are just a step until they find a new person in an even better position or situation, and then they become their next victim.
It is a good example of how hurt and confused people cause great pain to others. It is a way of desiring to not only have your neighbor’s possessions but to be your neighbor and all that comes with it because you cannot deal with being yourself.

For many who grew up in dysfunctional homes without good role models, finding an identity becomes essential. They would rather not be anything like their parents, and so someone must take their place as role models. Dissociating from being a victim and those who hurt them, they try to become someone else as far away from themselves or those who hurt them as possible. It is not possible to escape who you are or where you come from, and so, to succeed in this trauma response, a role-play begins. When you do a role-play, you need a costume and a script. Through the decades, we have seen how troubled youth often become part of groups that are recognized by certain clothing and styles. For instance, heavy metal fans often dress similarly and have similar hair and clothing. Same in every other group, including religious groups. Looking, talking, and acting like a new group is a

way to find identity and affiliation. It is like finding a new family because your own has let you down. Seeking acceptance as the «new you» and getting approval that the role you are playing is the real you become important. So, these types of survivors will seek acceptance. If you don’t affirm their role play, you will be seen as a threat. You will shake their entire coping mechanism, and they will treat you like an enemy they need to protect themselves from. Because their identity is tied to a group mentality, whether understood or not, they feel brave in defending their group, like they would defend their family if it had been functional.

Because this is a form of coping mechanism, education on how to cope with the past healthily is needed to help them. If you remove someone’s coping mechanism without offering an alternative way for them to heal, it might just cause further damage. In abusive homes, gaslighting is common, where the abuser claims to “know you better than you know yourself” and then proceeds to destroy you to control you. For those growing up, taking control and becoming someone their abuser cannot predict or claim to understand helps them feel like they are reclaiming themselves again. Still, they have gone from one false identity forced upon them to another self-invented. A healthy individual who is loved and respected does not feel the need to be someone they are not, and they are less likely to join such groups.

Toxic victims must be dealt with even though they are acting out a trauma response. If someone is abusing others as a coping mechanism, they need to be stopped immediately, and their needs have to be sacrificed to save the new victim. It is not relevant how traumatic their childhood was; if they act out their hurt by damaging others, they must be stopped. In a court of law, no one is pardoned for an act done as an adult because something happened to them as a child. We are responsible, and how we deal with and cope with our trauma says something about us.
We can choose to be evil. A victim of childhood trauma is not, by its nature, a good person who can be acquitted for whatever they end up doing later. Although they are more likely to have disruptive behavior and harm because of their trauma, they have to take responsibility for their actions as much as anyone else. No one who has been afflicted with pain is given an excuse to afflict someone else with pain. The train of destruction must end somewhere.

The one who identifies as their trauma.

Another toxic way to deal with trauma I want to mention is for those who get so attached to what happened to them and who they are coming out of it that the trauma response or coping mechanism becomes their identity. They do not seek a change or remedy. They think that without their coping mechanisms, they are nothing. Here, it is important for the individual to find themselves and who they are outside of what happened to them.

Childhood trauma and anger issues

Research presented to the European Congress of Psychiatry in Paris showed how those who had a traumatic childhood and later developed depression and anxiety became angry adults.“Our most important finding is that childhood trauma in general was associated with all aspects of anger, both feelings and expressions, including a dose-response relationship. This means that the more traumatic the childhood, the angrier the adult,” says lead author Nienke de Bles, a PhD student at Leiden University Medical Center in the Netherlands.
It has been well known for a long time that children who are often in situations where their power is taken away, or they cannot voice their feelings when harmed, will later struggle with anger issues. Studies also indicate that those with anxiety and depression struggle more often than others with anger. All types of childhood trauma except sexual abuse led to more frequent anger outbursts as adults. The study further concluded:
“We found that anxious or depressed people with a history of emotional neglect, or physical or psychological abuse, were between 1.3 and 2 times more likely to have anger problems. We also found that the more traumatic the childhood experience, the greater the tendency towards adult anger,” “Children who suffered emotional neglect had an increased tendency to grow into adults who were irritable or easily angered, whereas those who had been physically abused had a greater tendency towards anger attacks or antisocial personality traits.”
The grumpy neighbor down the street might be a childhood trauma victim. Adults who struggle with anger issues push others away and even cause fear. The rejection they once felt is repeated because of how they behave, and they are stuck in this emotional circle.
This might be the reasons Christ asks us to be patient with each other and even sometimes tolerate bad behaviour and pray for those who hurt us. If we are dealing with a trauma victim, we can save them by showing kindness instead of trying to get revenge. (Matt.5:43-46)

Some victims could not confront adults when they were children, but they could take “the power back” as adults when meeting others. The problem is, of course, that others will pay the price of what their parents or others in a powerful situation did to them when they were children. Losing the temper over what seems like trifles and causing new acquaintances and family to go on eggshells around the victim is not uncommon. They might have overreactions. It is like the last drop of water that makes the cup run over. Often, expressing anger seems misplaced, and it is. An innocent in their way often takes the “yelling” the victim never gave their perpetrator. The teenager took the punch on someone else instead of their abuser.

(Source to above quotes: https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/983655; https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18763692/; https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/childhood-trauma-may-lead-to-anger-in-adulthood/? utm_medium=pushly&utm_source=pushnotification&utm_campaign=2850177 )

This is what childhood trauma victims do, regardless of the issues. They unintentionally take it out on others as adults. Being angry is not good for them, and being short-tempered will also make them fearful, rejected, or disliked. Sin is always circular in its manifestation. The child who was rejected will act in a way that ensures they will continue to be rejected later. In that way, they are constantly trapped. To be more extreme, some of the worst abusers are childhood trauma survivors themselves. There is good anger, but most anger is misplaced, exaggerated, and dissociated.

Understanding the Victim

There are so many ways victims play out their trauma in communication, choices, and life. There are bad victims, but many victims are good people; they are just hurt and don’t know how to not be. For a Christian, it is important to first understand that people are damaged and hurting. Being kind and understanding when someone gets scared, is shy, antisocial, impatient, or responds differently than you expect is the best approach to begin with. Most trauma survivors just want to feel safe in your company. Expecting a trauma survivor who comes into church to be instantly cured of all trauma responses is unreasonable. Patience and education are needed. Although many who appear unstable are feared, many are as innocent as you are. Their instincts are different, their understanding is different, and even their emotional language is different. Thinking you have the right one, and they have the wrong one, just makes you treat them condecending.
Had you experienced what they have been through, you would have learned the same emotional language as them. They learned to survive, and now that the situation is over, they need to learn how to live. You might have learned how to live, but a traumatic experience might be in your future, and they can then teach you how to survive. Although their trauma response seems improper in a normal setting, it was a natural bodily reaction, intelligence, and social skill that once helped them survive or cope. Many, without their coping mechanisms, would have ended their lives or lost their lives. Coming out harmed but still alive is better than death.
Viewing a trauma survivor as less intelligent is not right. They have intelligence like you; they have only learned different skills and a different language.

As a rough comparison, it is as if someone who grew up in the desert on a camel farm moved to a snowy northern industrial city. A lot of what they know is no longer useful, but still, having lived it gives them character traits and strengths that can be translated into a positive force in their new life. In this example, hard work, patience, and endurance are useful in both places. In the same way, a trauma survivor should not be treated as a charity case. Rather, find their strengths and beauty and start focusing on common values and grounds. Learn as much as you teach. Be their equal. Do as you would someone who speaks another language: practice what is common in both your languages, and work your way to understanding each other from there. If you stop communicating, you will never know them.
Although there are many toxic survivors, God sees who is good among them, just like He differentiates between a good and a bad person coming from a healthy household. There are many people with bad traits who do great harm because they have chosen to indulge in bad habits and end up harming others, although they have never been harmed by others themselves. As the popular saying goes, it’s not what happens to us that defines us, but how we deal with it. If given good principles and the best opportunity and someone chooses to seek harmful influence because they do not wish to control their obscene desires, will not be saved by a good upbringing.
Although the majority of victims contribute greatly to a toxic society, many victims are not toxic; they are just misunderstood. It is a language barrier, and the survivor is often despised or rejected for not speaking the socially accepted language fluently.
God, who searches hearts, knows that if the roles were reversed and the one who looks down on the other had lived their life, they might have never come out of it as graciously as the one they rejected has. God judges with a far greater window of understanding than any of us.

Occasionally, God chooses the victims for important work because He knows they have been tested and proven to be true to their values and are therefore better qualified and trustworthy to help Him with an important task. Someone else whose life has seemingly been without great challenges might think they would stand in the storm, yet God knows the storm would change them or break them. Paul wrote: «Brothers, consider the time of your calling: Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were powerful; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly and despised things of the world, and the things that are not, to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast in His presence.” (1.Cor.1:26-29)
Being a victim does not disqualify you from closeness with God, but where you go from that point in your life can. God never gives a requirement or demand without offering assistance and education on how to meet it.
When God tells us we can be sane, responsible people despite our experiences or even sins, He also offers education and assistance on how to become it.
He does not want anyone to be stuck in a trauma response, He wants you to be free. He wants to see His own reflection in you, not the reflection of your trauma. It is possible if we follow God’s manual and solution.

Role-playing with God

Many long-term trauma survivors who are or have become Christians start role-playing with God. In this way, we misrepresent who God is to ourselves and others. Being a victim gives a sense of innocence, and so facing a judging God pushes many to take a victim role where God has the abusive role. It might seem strange to many, but for a trauma survivor, it can be just instinct.
Rather than being saved by grace, they are trying to save themselves by being the “good victim” and God the abuser. This is how they survived in the home, satisfying a husband, a parent, and other children by subduing themselves to a pathetic state and desiring mercy. They continue this role play with God, making Him an abusive God. This leads to a hurtful relationship with God where they do not feel free or happy. And they are constantly investigating how to please Him by different means. Parents who do this to themselves usually urge their children to do the same, so they too can be saved. Often, in closed sects, there are many victims who have been attracted to and joined the cult because of the toxic relationship with God offered there. They seek it out because the roles are familiar and they know who to be in them.

There are many in the world who have a severely imaginary toxic relationship with God. When such people pray to God in a way where He must play the part they have given Him, God cannot and will not answer because it would confirm their delusion. Many Christian individuals fail at their relationship with God because of their trauma response. He needs them to address Him as He is, so He can bless them. If they address Him as their abuser, God must withdraw because it goes against God’s very principles to be abusive. A Christian trauma survivor must understand that if God is to answer and help them, they should agree to get to know God for who He is and not make Him an actor in their trauma play. There are two big ways long-term victims choose and often bring into their faith: blind compliance or rebellion.

Those who do not make God their “abuser” but who struggle with authority figures because of their childhood can struggle with their faith and trust in God. Their relationship is halted and difficult because they are constantly expecting or fearing the worst from God like they once did from their parents. It can be hard to believe in a loving God if someone does not have a loving parent.

To be free of trauma-response and victimhood, having a good relationship with God is critical. Seeing Him as He is becomes necessary. Understanding who God is, what He wants, and what He expects correctly shows the importance of spiritual education to escape continuing victimhood in a Christian cloak. It is too easy for long-term trauma survivors to enter a toxic relationship with what they think is God and, by doing so, continue being trapped by what trapped them in the past. Just like a past abused person often marries an abuser, a past abused person entraps themselves in a religious understanding that suppresses them further. This is why we see so many Christians living by emotions and the flesh, not free from either sin or abusers. They use religion to replay all they know, to be the only person they know how to be; God is given a negative role in their mental health issues and unfortunately represented wrongly. As the author of this book, having worked at a psyciatric hospital, I experienced that every single patient there had the combination of past trauma mingled with some kind of belief in God. This caused the institution to deny any conversation or mentioning of God to the patient as they feared it would make them even more sick. Those who are not Christians often see people struggling with mental health mixing God into their issues in a bad way and wrongly blame their belief in God for their illness.

Being a victim does not make you a good person.

In no way are any of the examples of the many trauma responses and victim personality traits described as an excuse for behaving this way. It is easy to have a black-and-white understanding of victimhood. A victim is portrayed as innocent, but the reality is that long-term victims cause great harm to others and society. Some harm can be prevented just by knowing how to communicate in the right way with someone who is hurt. The constant rejection a victim experience because they are a little different is sometimes more harmful then even the trauma they once faced. Therefore it is so important to stop the cycle of pain by showing someone acting out a little love and compassion.
Most people are victims of something and have their own set of luggage when meeting the world. And it is this luggage that causes sin to continue to do its damage. Hurt people, hurt people, and uphold the cycle of pain. Long-term victims are innocent of the crime done to them, but they need to understand that if they remain in a state of victimhood or do not deal with what happened correctly, they will do harm to others.

Their innocence is not in their victimhood. The truth is that many of those who are suppressed would do great harm if they were not suppressed. Their apparent victimhood makes them look innocent and pure, but if the tables turned, they would be like their oppressors and do equal harm. You cannot trust a victim to be a good person. Nor should you believe that you are a good person when you are victimized. There is no coalition between being a victim and being good. Bad things happen to good people, but bad things also happen to bad people. No one is guaranteed a ticket to heaven based on the trauma that afflicted them. It is not a card we can use to manipulate God.

It is therefore important to understand that victims are one of the leading causes of all the misery we see on this planet. All because they do not deal with their past and their traumas in the way God advises them to. Instead, they follow their instincts and feelings to all the wrong solutions, which only ends up with more misery and victimization.
It is a known fact that trauma survivors and long-term victims can be hard to like. In a world of sin, everyone has been imprinted with sin and takes it in some way or another upon others. Even those from seemingly well-functioning homes have been hurt and have passed the hurt on to others. That is the nature of sin; it affects everyone and everything in its path until the whole world, man, beast, and nature, are affected by it. What the Bible calls “sin” is actually “stress” that deprograms the body’s mental and physical state.

NEXT CHAPTER: Being a victim of an offense and victimhood