- 1. Introduction 2. The World Is A Battlefield 3. The Church: A Feast for Oppressors? 4. How Did We Become Victims? 5. How do victims communicate? 6. Being a victim of an offense and victimhood 7. Learned Helplessness 8. Victim-blaming 9. God’s solution to sin 10. How Satan uses the Bible to force us to submit to him 11. The Good Shepherd 12. Victimhood as a weapon 13. The Victorious Christian 14. Practical exercise towards freedom. 15. Restore your trust in God. 16. Why God allows difficulties. 17. Church Tribulations 18. Final Victory 19. Afterword
The way to peace and recovery requires a willingness to leave victimhood behind. It can be tempting for those dealing with people who are stuck in victimhood after long-term trauma or childhood trauma to tell them to “move on”. This is not helpful. They cannot just move on. No one’s body is designed or works that way. Not even God can order a man to “move on”.
This book is not meant to inspire anyone to meet a victim in such a way or for a victim to harshly say it to themselves. The point of the book is to inspire and help start the steps of recovery by making some important decisions. It is not done in one day, and some scars will never go away.
Even for the one who chose to leave victimhood behind, occasionally triggers will still come throughout life. Some will come surprisingly, and it will be too late to deal with them in a healthy way there and then.
You cannot command anyone “to move on” or “cheer up”. These words are fruitless in themselves.
No victim deserves this kind of disrespect.
Emotional scars must go through a process to be healed, even for Christians. Pretending to be fine when we are not won’t make it fine. It is just denial. God’s solution appears to not be to repress memories but to face them with honesty and deal with them accordingly. To place blame where it belongs, we must understand that sin was committed.
It is tempting for the family and friends of a victim to ask them to just forget it happened and move on. At worst, what the victim does is pretend to have forgotten it, and they are stuck in a private mental prison as a result. God has created us in such a way that sin does not go away until it has been dealt with according to his laws. Silencing a victim will only cause further damage. If a family wishes for a problem to go away, the problem must be dealt with.
Too often, dysfunctional families blame the victim, or at least they divide the blame between the victim and the family member who committed the act. This will never create peace or healing; it can create the illusion of it, but not the God-given healing.
Blame must be put in the right place for sin to be forgiven, even by God. A victim will be hurt unless they can be heard and understood.
The suggested training used in this book is not to be used as an accusation against a victim for remaining in victimhood. Or to put blame on a victim for still struggling. Trauma healing cannot be forced upon anyone or used to guilt-trip them into thinking they are the cause of their problems.
Healing is different for everyone, and many things must come together for the journey to start.
Unmerciful approaches from family, friends, and church members can at worst prevent healing rather than help it. The right way to approach a long-term trauma survivor is to show compassion and inspire them. Allowing them to speak if they need to. Inviting them to activities that will help them. You can do little things. Instead of advising them to exercise, ask if they want to go for a walk with you. Instead of telling them to eat healthier, invite them over for a healthy dinner or to cook with you. The point is to replace words with practical help. Too often, people think they “help” when they throw a lot of advice at someone struggling, and then they leave and feel better about themselves for having given the advice. This rarely helps anyone feel better, except the person giving the advice.
If you feel helpless, do something practical or helpful instead.
Inspire the change; don’t push it upon them. Don’t be condescending or impatient. The victim is not less intelligent than you, he or she just speaks a slightly different emotional language.
Only when a long-term victim feels safe can they start their journey. Guilt-tripping, demanding, threats and similar approaches will not help them get to the starting point.
Demanding they forgive before the sins are correctly understood or dealt with is also wrong.
Everyone needs different things and will struggle with forgiving until they understand what has happened in the right light. It can take time because victims are often confused and struggle with displaced blame. If you want to help a long-term trauma victim, just be their friend without letting them exploit you or feel your friendship is charity.
If you make it a charity, it can inspire a long-term victim to feel the need to be sick to be noticed and cared about. It might lead them into a negative loop.
Ask more than once.
A trauma victim struggles in many more ways than what is seen and might need time to say yes or multiple chances to say yes. Many victims are careful and uncertain about themselves and others and need time to respond. Don’t be afraid to invite again, even if you get a “no” or a rejection the first time.
Know that some are so ruined and destroyed by the things that have happened to them that they might not ever fully recover. Each case and situation is different. Some are sicker than others. Some do not show; they may appear normal, while with others it is obvious. This does not mean the one who is visibly sick is sicker than the one whose illness does not show.
Many people who end their lives are those who keep all their feelings to themselves. They learned not to be a bother and think no one cares, which is why they pretend everything is fine. They think the world is better off without them. Numerous people who end their lives leave people shocked. The people around them say they seemed to be smiling and happy most of the time and they did not see it coming. Others often hint at their plans, which is why if someone mentions suicidal thoughts they must be taken seriously.
Making people suppress or be quiet about their hurt will perhaps give the perpetrator and their family peace, but it will slowly destroy the victim from the inside.
Sin cannot be covered up; it can only be moved to the right person. Then that person must move it or give it to Christ. Sin cannot be hidden or destroyed by silence, violence, or manipulation.
Thus, “helping” victims by telling them to “get over it” and “move on” can potentially damage the victim and even kill them over time.
We should not compare the suffering of one with that of another. People have different strengths and upbringings. Some can handle plenty of difficulties, while others seem to handle very little. Behind that lie cognitive abilities, additional trauma you don’t know about, genetics, or a weak bodily physique. We must not judge two people who seem to have suffered the same thing for handling it differently. No one’s situation is the same.
The Bible is clear that the stronger is to care for the weaker. There is so much we do not know or understand about others. Because we have learned one secret, that does not mean we know them all. We do not need to understand others completely to be kind and helpful to them.
Helping long-term victims is not about judging, demanding, or advising. It is about being present and standing by their side. Giving them your time. This will help them feel wanted and valuable, and these same emotions will inspire them to value themselves and want to be braver.
Using Christ and the Bible to silence a victim is another form of abuse. Christ wants to set people free, not destroy them. “A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench: he shall bring forth judgment unto truth” (Isa 42:3).
The Bible is clear when it comes to sin: it must be atoned for in one way or another. The law says there should be compensation if there is damage. It is up to the victim alone to forgive.
If a Christian family has managed to silence their victim and pretend things have not happened, they have only put themselves in a situation where God must one day judge them without being able to offer them atonement. If He does not, heaven will not be a paradise for the victims, as the treatment by their families will continue there. The lies would continue there. Christ’s mercy would be used to prove the victim wrong. Calling a victim a liar to save face will only cause you to lose face on judgment day, as this will leave you standing dressed in your filthy righteousness.
Any victim who follows Christ and has taken refuge with Christ should know that Christ is on their side against all sin, He will accept no excuse for any sin. If your transgressor is unapologetic, then He will judge them for you.
“And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation” (Isa 25:9)
“When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, He will sit on His glorious throne.
.. Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink, I was a stranger and you took Me in, I was naked and you clothed Me, I was sick and you looked after Me, I was in prison and you visited Me.
Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You something to drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? When did we see You sick or in prison and visit You?’
And the King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me.’ (Matt.25.31, 34-40)
“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity” (1Co 13:11-13)
