- 1. Introduction 2. The World Is A Battlefield 3. The Church: A Feast for Oppressors? 4. The Many Faces of Childhood Trauma. 5. How do victims communicate? 6. Being a victim of an offense and victimhood 7. Learned Helplessness 8. Victim-blaming 9. God’s solution to sin 10. How Satan uses the Bible to force us to submit to him 11. The Good Shepherd 12. Victimhood as a weapon 13. The Victorious Christian 14. Practical exercise towards freedom. 15. Restore your trust in God. 16. Why God allows difficulties. 17. Church Tribulations 18. Final Victory 19. Afterword
The way to peace and recovery requires a willingness to leave victimhood behind. It can be tempting for those dealing with people who are stuck in victimhood after long-term or childhood trauma to tell them to “move on.” This is not helpful. They cannot just move on. No one’s body is designed or works that way. Not even God can order a person to “move on.”
This book is not meant to encourage anyone to treat a victim that way, nor for a victim to say such things harshly to themselves. The point of this book is to inspire and help begin the recovery process by making some important decisions. Recovery is not done in one day, and some scars will never go away.
Even for those who have chosen to leave victimhood behind, triggers will still arise throughout life. Some will come unexpectedly, and it may be too late to deal with them in a healthy way in that moment.
You cannot command anyone “to move on” or “cheer up.” These words are fruitless in themselves.
No victim deserves this kind of disrespect.
Emotional scars must go through a process of healing, even for Christians. Pretending to be fine when we are not will not make it so. It is simply denial. God’s solution appears to be not to repress memories, but to face them honestly and deal with them accordingly. To place blame where it belongs, we must first acknowledge that sin was committed.
It is tempting for the family and friends of a victim to ask them to simply forget what happened and move on. At worst, the victim pretends to have forgotten, and they are left stuck in a private mental prison as a result. God has created us in such a way that sin does not go away until it has been dealt with according to His laws. Silencing a victim will only cause further damage. If a family wishes for a problem to go away, the problem must be properly dealt with.
Too often, dysfunctional families blame the victim, or at least they divide the blame between the victim and the family member who committed the act. This will never create peace or healing. It can create the illusion of it, but not the God-given healing.
Blame must be placed correctly for sin to be forgiven, even by God. A victim will continue to be hurt unless they are heard and understood.
The guidance suggested in this book is not intended as an accusation against a victim for remaining in victimhood, nor to blame a victim for still struggling. Trauma healing cannot be forced upon anyone or used to guilt-trip them into thinking they are the cause of their own problems.
Healing is different for everyone, and many things must come together for the journey to start.
Unmerciful approaches from family, friends, and church members can, at worst, prevent healing rather than help it. The right way to approach a long-term trauma survivor is to show compassion and inspire them. Allow them to speak if they need to. Invite them to activities that will help them. Small things matter. Instead of advising them to exercise, ask if they want to go for a walk with you. Instead of telling them to eat healthier, invite them over for a healthy dinner or to cook with you. The point is to replace words with practical help. Too often, people think they “help” by offering a lot of advice to someone who is struggling, then leave feeling better about themselves for having given it. This rarely helps anyone feel better, except the person giving the advice.
If you feel helpless, do something practical or helpful instead.
Inspire the change rather than pushing it upon them. Do not be condescending or impatient. The victim is not less intelligent than you. They simply speak a slightly different emotional language.
Only when a long-term victim feels safe can they start their journey. Guilt-tripping, demanding, threats, and similar approaches will not help them reach the starting point.
Demanding they forgive before the sins are properly understood or addressed is also wrong.
Everyone needs different things and will struggle to forgive until they understand what has happened in the right light. This can take time, because victims are often confused and struggle with displaced blame. If you want to help a long-term trauma victim, simply be their friend, without letting them exploit you or feel that your friendship is charity.
If you make it a charity, it can cause a long-term victim to feel the need to remain in their pain in order to be noticed and cared about. This can lead them into a harmful cycle.
Ask more than once.
A trauma victim struggles in many more ways than what is visible and may need time or multiple chances to say yes. Many victims are cautious and uncertain about themselves and others, and they need time to respond. Do not be afraid to invite again, even if you receive a “no” or a rejection the first time.
Know that some are so deeply wounded by what has happened to them that they may never fully recover. Each case and situation is different. Some are more severely affected than others. Some do not show it and may appear normal, while with others it is obvious. This does not mean the one who is visibly struggling is worse off than the one whose pain does not show.
Many people who end their lives are those who keep all their feelings to themselves. They learned not to be a bother and think no one cares, which is why they pretend everything is fine. They think the world is better off without them. Numerous people who end their lives leave people shocked. The people around them say they seemed to be smiling and happy most of the time, and they did not see it coming. Others often hint at their plans, which is why if someone mentions suicidal thoughts, they must be taken seriously.
Making people suppress or stay silent about their hurt may give the perpetrator and their family a sense of peace, but it will slowly destroy the victim from within.
Sin cannot be covered up. It can only be moved to the right person. Then that person must move it or give it to Christ. Sin cannot be hidden or destroyed by silence, violence, or manipulation.
Thus, “helping” victims by telling them to “get over it” and “move on” can damage them deeply and even destroy them over time.
We should not compare the suffering of one person with that of another. People have different strengths and upbringings. Some can handle many difficulties, while others seem to handle very little. Behind that lie cognitive abilities, additional trauma you may not know about, genetics, or physical limitations. We must not judge two people who seem to have suffered the same thing for handling it differently. No two situations are the same.
The Bible is clear that the stronger is to care for the weaker. There is so much we do not know or understand about others. Because we have learned one secret, that does not mean we know them all. We do not need to understand others completely to be kind and helpful to them.
Helping long-term victims is not about judging, demanding, or advising. It is about being present and standing by their side, and giving them your time. This will help them feel wanted and valued, and these same feelings will inspire them to value themselves and find the courage to grow.
Using Christ and the Bible to silence a victim is another form of abuse. Christ wants to set people free, not destroy them. “A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench: he shall bring forth judgment unto truth” (Isa 42:3).
The Bible is clear when it comes to sin: it must be atoned for in one way or another. The law requires compensation for damage. It is up to the victim alone to forgive.
If a Christian family has managed to silence their victim and pretend things have not happened, they have only put themselves in a situation where God must one day judge them without being able to offer them atonement. If He does not, heaven will not be a paradise for the victims, as the treatment by their families will continue there. The lies would continue there. Christ’s mercy would be used to prove the victim wrong. Calling a victim a liar to save face will only cause you to lose face on judgment day, as you will stand clothed in nothing but your own filthy righteousness.
Any victim who follows Christ and has taken refuge in Him should know that Christ is on their side against all sin. He will accept no excuse for any sin. If your transgressor is unapologetic, He will judge them in your place. It is not your job to be the courthouse, the judge, and the victim at the same time.
“And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.” (Isa 25:9)
“When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, He will sit on His glorious throne. Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink, I was a stranger and you took Me in, I was naked and you clothed Me, I was sick and you looked after Me, I was in prison and you visited Me.
Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You something to drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? When did we see You sick or in prison and visit You?’
And the King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me.’ (Matt. 25:31, 34-40)
“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity” (1Co 13:11-13)
