1. Introduction 2. The World Is A Battlefield 3. The Church: A Feast for Oppressors? 4. The Many Faces of Childhood Trauma. 5. How do victims communicate? 6. Being a victim of an offense and victimhood 7. Learned Helplessness 8. Victim-blaming 9. God’s solution to sin 10. How Satan uses the Bible to force us to submit to him 11. The Good Shepherd 12. Victimhood as a weapon 13. The Victorious Christian 14. Practical exercise towards freedom. 15. Restore your trust in God. 16. Why God allows difficulties. 17. Church Tribulations 18. Final Victory 19. Afterword
When someone gets stuck in victimhood, they become dependent in one of several ways. There is the subdued victimhood, where the victim has a constant trauma response to their surroundings, and then there is the claimed victimhood, which seeks to manipulate, suppress, and control those surroundings. Beyond these, even real victims can become perpetrators, using their past to achieve their desires. All three of these responses to victimhood strip away someone’s true self, forcing them to walk in circles. They are not emotionally independent and rely on others’ responses to feel good.
Christian freedom is to live by the Spirit rather than serve “the flesh”. This concept of flesh versus spirit is mostly used to explain how to find freedom from our sins. However, there is more to it than just sin. If we are trapped in a cycle of repeating acts we know are wrong but do not have the power to stop, the Bible tells us we can live a new life in the Spirit.
We are gifted the power to not listen to our feelings and needs if they are mistaken or wrong. A Christian is not to be controlled by emotions and lust alone but by intellect and love. Not the love of the world, but God’s love. God’s love is not selfish or self-indulgent; it always considers the greater good.
Jesus said: «Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light» (Matt. 11:29). This statement has puzzled many, as the Christian life is full of difficulties. Even Christ’s life was full of them. So how can His yoke be easy?
Every act committed against Christ, whether it was disbelief from His family, rejection by society, accusations of being something He was not, or other attacks, left His personality and character unchanged. This is where a victim’s downfall begins, and it is also the major reason Christians should not take upon themselves the identity of victimhood. When our character and values are shaped by our surroundings, we become trapped and lose our freedom. God said, “O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted” (Isa.54:11).
Jesus stood firm in the middle of abuse. Someone else’s anger afflicted Him, but it did not provoke His anger. Rather, Christ was always in complete control of who He was.
When He was bullied and abused, He refused to let it change Him. Instead, He held the bully accountable. That does not mean He was not hurt. It simply means He did not let the hurt change His values.
When we, as Christians, can be easily controlled by our emotions triggered by others, then the bullies partly control our path in life. Who would want their enemies or haters to decide who they are and will be? Yet, victims may give their perpetrator this power, often unknowingly. If we get angry at others when others are angry with us, distrustful when others are distrustful of us, jealous if others are jealous of us, and so on, we reflect the sin committed rather than conquering it. We mirror sin.
The idea that our anger is justified by someone else traps us in a state where we think we are free when we really are not. An emotional outburst can feel liberating, but it is not necessarily so. Think of a mirror: a reflection copies the other, but it remains only a reflection.
Christ’s advice to meet evil with good, pray for those who curse us, and be generous to the thief does not suggest we become subdued or conquered. It is quite the opposite. Christ tells us not to let others’ bad behavior change who we are or who we want to be. If someone spreads falsehoods about us, we can show that person they do not get to inspire us to become like them. The greatest power move is to ensure they hear you speaking kindly about them. When you do not choose revenge, the shame they try to place on you goes right back to them. If you speak well of the one who speaks badly of you, they will end up carrying the shame they tried to put upon you.
Christ’s advice is not meant to make a Christian pitiful and pathetic; it is meant to make them strong. God’s desire to impute His character into the Christian’s heart is constantly prevented because Christians focus on their surroundings instead. He tells us to be changed by beholding Him rather than our abusers and mockers.
Every wrongful act has consequences or a chain reaction. When a Christian refuses to change in the face of others’ bad behavior, they break the chain of sin. They become pillars of light for good. When one piece of the domino toppling is removed, it stops the rest of the pieces from falling.
«An eye for an eye» law in the Bible is important for justice and is still in force to combat crime, but it does not always give men the peace they desire.
A victim of a wrongful act can see their perpetrator go behind bars and still, for years to come, not have peace. Every day, they act out some response to the evil they suffered.
While the God of the Bible constantly shows sympathy and love to those afflicted and weak, He does not want them to stay subdued because of their affliction.
Christ’s advice to not let others’ evil control you is not Him closing His eyes to the hurt others cause, as if it had never happened. Rather, His words are part of setting the victim free.
I have met and spoken to so many Christians who are obsessed with some wrong done to them, and they hunger for justice. It consumes them and changes them, yet through it, they measure their goodness by others’ evil. This is an easy way to fool ourselves. We do not become good because someone does something bad to us. We cannot evaluate our position with God based on someone else’s rebellion. Some, by beholding the injustice they have suffered, become almost possessed by it. It takes up their hearts and minds, and before they know it, it has changed them.
Christ acknowledges that we will get hurt in this world, but He shows us how not to let that hurt change us to reflect the same spirit.
His gift of His Spirit, a Spirit harmonizing with God’s standards, is to be listened to before “our flesh”. “Our flesh” brings us into captivity. It acts on instinct, and it never sees the whole picture.
If we become irritable around someone who is irritable, only charitable around someone charitable, only open-minded around an open-minded person, or closed-minded around a closed-minded person, and so on, we are still living by “the flesh”. Living by “the flesh” is not just about private sin; it is also about how we respond to our surroundings.
Most people are controlled by their surroundings in what they think, eat, feel, and do. It is natural to seek confirmation and approval to gain confidence. The world around us approves of us when we become like it. People tend to approve of one another when they reflect each other.
Despite this, a Christian is called to a higher standard: to reflect Christ rather than the world, and to seek God’s approval rather than mankind’s. This makes Christians who live this way a natural threat to their surroundings. People find security and peace in mirroring one another. When someone suddenly stops responding as expected or is unwilling to reflect others back to them, it creates insecurity and breaks that peace. The Christian is then blamed for this disruption and treated accordingly. This is why Christians who reflect the world are accepted, while those who try to reflect Christ are mostly rejected. Worldly hearts find those who reflect Christ suspicious, uncontrollable, and strange, and so they despise or dislike them.
Jesus said: “If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.
If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also. But all these things will they do unto you for my name’s sake, because they know not him that sent me.” (Joh 15:18-21)
Jesus said His yoke was easy, but He did not have an easy life. The same way it will be for a Christian who reflects Him. Peace and freedom lie in who you choose to be, uncontrolled by the world and its sins.
Jesus says their rejection comes from «not knowing God». Man’s insecurity and need for control make him fight against someone he does not understand, perceiving that person as a threat.
When a Christian chooses a response other than “the flesh” to others, it is not always understood or appreciated.
What would have happened if Jesus, instead of doing His calling, had spent His time arguing with His brothers and trying to win their approval before finding His peace? What would have happened if Christ had decided to spend His life seeking the approval of the Pharisees and Scribes, using all His energy to force them to accept Him? Or if He had been moved by revenge when they mocked Him on the cross, saying that if He freed Himself, they would believe Him? How different the story of Jesus would have been if He had been obsessed with everyone who wronged Him and wanted to set them straight.
When the Pharisees and Scribes tried to provoke Him into a fight, Jesus often changed the subject. Not because He could not win the argument, but because He would not engage in their role-play.
All sins in the world, all sinners, are acting out a response to sin with their sin. Everything is caused by a chain reaction. Even the worst killer sitting in prison is there because of a chain reaction, and he leaves behind another.
Christ offers us the chance to break the chain with His help. He wishes for us to be the people who stop the flow of all the little evils in society. The more Christians there are to stop it, the more society will benefit. This blessing is not given when Christians, instead of reflecting Christ, reflect their surroundings instead. Then they become part of the chain and part of the problem. Then we would respond to everything happening around us «with the flesh» rather than «with the spirit».
Trauma response: living “by the flesh”?
To sin is to indulge in destructive behavior, whether it is self-destructive or destructive to others. It is bodily lust over love and care for others.
Many do not realize that some trauma responses are also a form of living by the flesh. They represent a selfish and self-destructive way of responding to our surroundings and to what has happened to us. Fear is always self-defensive. It puts self-interest first.
We give innocent people a sense of distrust because someone else has failed us.
We direct our anger and hurt toward innocent people because someone else has hurt us.
A man disrespected by his boss should not take it out on his kids at home. This is how sin tends to grow until all of society is wounded and stressed.
Although God wants us to care for the weak and the wounded, He does not wish for the wounded to stay in a passive state.
It is like aiding a society struggling with famine the wrong way. You can bring them food and end their immediate hunger, but eventually their food supply will depend on you unless they are taught and given the opportunity to help themselves. Kindness ends when you create codependency. The recipient of this type of kindness will be wounded in the long term.
Any person who is not believed in, who has not learned to take responsibility, or who has not learned to master a skill will feel low self-worth and lose their self-esteem.
So, in this example, if you keep feeding them with bread, you have silenced their hunger but ruined their strength, talents, and self-esteem.
The best way to help the less fortunate is to address their immediate needs and then use the means to help them gain independence. Once they believe in themselves and master life, they will feed themselves. You will no longer be needed and can help someone else. As Christians, we are not to create codependency but to lift people up to be achievers. Any Christian who creates co-dependency is helping themselves, even when doing charity.
This must also be how God helps mankind. He cannot do everything for us, make all our decisions, or protect us from all consequences. If He does, we do not grow or develop in a healthy way.
The same is true for people who have suffered injustice and trauma. The Bible is clear that we are responsible for helping those in need and showing compassion and kindness. Yet the Bible also encourages us to help them become independent, confident, and strong. After showing kindness, we need to find the right tools to rebuild them and free them from what holds them down. Not just kind words, but practical help.
If one woman is very depressed and another, instead of saying “be positive» or «pull yourself together», takes off her means and uses it to pay for an activity that will help her learn a new skill, so she can learn that she can do more than she thinks she can, it would be better help. A mentally stuck person needs to experience that the world is bigger and that their abilities are wider than they think. With this, she could view everything, including the things holding her or him down, in a less impossible way. Helping someone discover how to overcome a minor challenge can give them the tools to deal with seemingly impossible ones. You help them believe in themselves.
Depending on the underlying cause of a person’s issues, repeated help or finding new alternatives is important. Every so often, a diversion is needed to help someone out of a bad cycle. But telling someone to simply think differently, without offering any practical help to do so, only adds to the harm. The body acts on instincts, often independent of thoughts, which is why good thoughts cannot always break negative patterns.
We understand this when a village is starving, or someone is sick and needs a doctor, but we seem not to understand it when it comes to mental health. We burden the wounded with words that do not help them out of the darkness they are in. For a Christian, it hardly helps to tell someone “Jesus loves you” if that person does not feel worthy of that love. How will they receive the truth if it is not emotionally understood?
I know someone who believed in God for years but never became a Christian, for the very reason that she did not know how to receive love. She had not been loved growing up by her parents; she had been denied compassion, her needs had always been ignored, and she had been taught not to ask for anything and not to expect anything. With what was supposed to be love came something bad.
When she heard about God’s love, it neither impressed nor changed her. It was just words. When she later had experiences of God saving and helping her directly, through the practical example of good Christians, she began to understand love and her own value. In the end, she received Christ. Others with good parental role models, who have been treated as valued members of their family, when hearing «Jesus loves you,» have a good reference to what that means. Understanding love is often tied to experience. Where there is no experience, there is no understanding.
In some trauma cases, “Jesus loves you” must be accompanied by practical illustrations and new experiences. In both instances, the one who is loved and the one who is not, practical experience is needed to give meaning to the words. Some get this education growing up, and others do not. A Christian must never think that words without additional practical experience are enough. Christ is the “truth,” and He is the Word that came to life. The truth, the way, and the life are therefore words that come to life and are practiced.
This is in part why God needs a Christian to be a good example, a good ambassador for Him, and to reflect God’s love to others. This is why “the word” became “flesh” and lived among us (John 1:1). For mankind to comprehend God’s love and truth correctly, words were not enough, so Christ came to us as a practical living fulfillment of the word. We cannot share God’s word with others without practicing it. Without God’s practical manifestation of His word, people are lost. God’s love, in the Bible, is always reflected through actions. (Jas 2:14-26; Heb.11)
In the Old Testament, God repeatedly told His people to care for and help others. To be kind to strangers and the fatherless. To help the poor and to free those who are suppressed. Through these practical actions, they were to heal society and bring people to God, so He could restore them «in His image» and free them from the oppression of sin.
Yet God’s people repeatedly failed, focusing on God’s demands and laws without practical examples to put them in context, which became their downfall. It is impossible to keep God’s law correctly without the manifestation of love. Words cannot do anything alone. The living spirit of them brings life.
Even Christ, whose words were perfect, did not attempt to teach people about God’s love without putting it into practice. He cared for the poor, the weak, the rejected, the hated, and the sick.
In the story of Zacchaeus, a rich man who had taken financial advantage of others but secretly regretted his behavior, Jesus did not stop to ask him to change. Rather, Jesus, in front of everyone who hated Zacchaeus, asked him for an invitation. Most would be ashamed to be seen with Zacchaeus, but Christ showed him love in the open. By his action, Christ showed others, including Zacchaeus, the worth each man has in His eyes. While Jesus was at Zacchaeus’ home, Zacchaeus, without any prompting, promised to return what he had taken and to help the poor. Zacchaeus did not just change because of what Jesus said, but because of what Jesus did. He also understood that he needed to show people, through his actions, that he regretted what he had done to make an impact. First, Jesus was discriminated against for entering Zacchaeus’ house, but later they would see that Jesus going home with Zacchaeus did not make Jesus reflect Zacchaeus. Rather, it made Zacchaeus change to be more like Christ.
This is the power of any Christian who lives by the Spirit and not by the flesh. To follow the principles of Christ rather than mirroring sinful behavior or letting it control us. Christ chose closeness to a sinner, but it changed the sinner; it did not change Him. This strength is offered to all Christians, regardless of their background, whether we are victims or not.
When we let others’ sins change us and how we treat others, we are still living in the flesh. While we do this, we cannot properly preach Christ or reflect Him.
Since victimhood is also living by the flesh, and if we are letting fear, anger, and trauma control us and how we treat others, how do we practically escape it?
The following are some important things to consider on your way to recovery:
1. Look for recognition from God rather than from people. The desperate need for recognition and acceptance from others ruins us and our self-esteem. It causes our morals and principles to shift in order to align with those around us. Because we often chase recognition from those who ignore us or will not give it to us, those who do not truly care for us, we end up mirroring the wrong people. By finding peace in God’s acceptance, we can avoid letting our need for approval control our interactions with others.
2. Trust in God’s justice and that God will avenge or chasten those who harmed us if they do not confess, repent, and compensate. Often, we do not see justice. We do not get recognition as victims or as someone who is worth more than what happened to us. This can consume and overwhelm anyone. Some victims have to endure seeing those who treated them badly accepted in society while they are rejected. By knowing and believing there is a higher power that sees everything and whose angels carefully observe any injustice, we know they will have to pay at some point. We can leave the vengeance to God because carrying it ourselves will only consume and destroy us. Leave the judgment to God. We do not have to take the law into our own hands and waste our whole lives and energy seeking justice. There is a heavenly court that will handle those who do not repent or stop harming others. We can even choose to feel sorry for those who do not repent, knowing they will one day stand guilty before God without atonement to offer, then die their final death and be no more. Pray for them and consider the danger they are in because of their decisions. (Mat 5:44) Following Christ’s advice does not make you weak; it makes you strong. By praying for your enemy, you get help to focus blame where it should be, so you can find freedom. Even when we forgive, we find freedom for ourselves. People who do not condemn others easily are less likely to condemn themselves. Leave it to God and walk free.
3. Trust God to protect you.
The peace this trust gives helps against the unbalanced fear response. Trust that you are safe with Him.
Fear is a defense mechanism that protects us from immediate danger. When fear becomes a chronic response to everything, it suppresses us. It is hard to be selfless in the middle of a fear response, and it creates a great deal of misery. Fear and love rarely go together. Fear is self-absorbed, biased, and violent. It drives people apart and leads them to treat one another with suspicion. Fear is closed-minded.
Trusting that you have a higher power there to protect you and help you through your challenges can help combat that fear. Knowing God is ready to help you when you call on Him can help you live more openly and meet people as they deserve, even if they do not deserve it.
Many Christians live by fear, and when they do, they do not represent Christ as trustworthy to others. They may say He is trustworthy, but their actions speak against their words. A Christian needs to trust God themselves to reflect God’s love to others and to themselves. Living by fear is also living “by the flesh”.
4. Receive God’s spirit.
A person broken down by the chains of sin, both within themselves and passed down through generations, cannot on their own develop the ability to defy their bodily reactions to what happens around them.
The Bible is clear that because sin has such dominance in the world, a Christian needs power, or a strength imputed, that can help us live as we want rather than as our bodily instincts tell us to. If we ask God to help us, we do not have to lose our temper when someone insults us. The love the spirit imparts in our hearts, even for an enemy, will change our immediate reaction and will restrain us from harming the other or losing patience. Love is powerful. It keeps a good parent’s behavior in check, even when their toddler is acting out and punching them. They do not retaliate or desire revenge on their child. When this kind of love is imputed to us by the Spirit for others, both known and unknown, it changes our responses and gives us natural patience and kindness, even in distressing situations. Our love will stretch beyond the boundaries of our home. (Mat 5:46-48) When Jesus said his burden was easy, in part, this is what He meant. It is easier for our mental and physical health to love than to hate.
Many religious people seek spiritual power to overcome negative or harmful emotional reactions. Buddhist monks show great restraint and deny themselves. Many people across different religions understand that denying oneself constant emotional needs gives the mind power. But in almost all cases, they isolate themselves or harm themselves in the process. Many Christians who choose to combat “self” in this way also isolate and harm themselves. The need to control the surroundings to control the “inside” shows that although people can deny their needs and feelings and control their actions, their lives become a constant struggle. The mind and the body are in conflict, as Paul describes in his letter to the Romans (Rom. 7 & 8). Our desire for justice can awaken the negative reactions within us.
Contrary to the normal religious notion, God’s solution is not to change the “outside,” but to impute something strong on the inside. With it, you can be who you are and do the right thing without isolating yourself.
When the Spirit of God is invited to give us inner strength, it will win over “the flesh” every time. Our out-of-control emotions lose their strength and are replaced by good instincts.
Some with a non-Biblical view find this ideology suppressive. Suppressing “natural” instincts is bad for people. The truth is that most of the time, when men and women act on instinct, whether it is anger, sexual desires, hurtful words, or other impulses, they regret it. Regret is a strong, stressful, negative emotion that wears us down. Getting help to do the right thing, so we do not have to live with the consequences of an impulsive decision, is a healthier way to live. It reduces stress in our lives and helps us build self-love and confidence.
Many people who have converted to Christianity and received the spirit experience a change in their desires. Their hearts are attracted to and more in line with the Spirit and Christ. This inside change cannot be scientifically explained. Jesus compared it to “the wind”. (John 3) You cannot see it, but it is there, and you know because of the work it does. You see it changing the person who receives it. It changes our instincts.
Non-Christians often think that most Christians are constantly fighting temptations they themselves give in to, and they cannot imagine having to become a Christian and constantly denying themselves. Many Christians have experienced only a superficial conversion. But in a genuine one, where the Spirit has truly been imparted, temptations are weakened, and desires do change.
The converted will not feel the same way about the same temptations as they did before they were converted. The unbeliever, therefore, does not understand the believer and what the driving force behind them is. To add to that, the power of conversion lies in the great hope, love, and inspiration of the Christian experience, which empowers them and makes them feel less helpless. If you are happy and at peace, it is easier to be good and do good. The Christian faith, therefore, gives many renewed strengths.
Perhaps it can be compared to a man and a woman falling in love. When love is at its strongest between them, they become more alike and change without realizing it, becoming more at one with each other. All they want is to be together as much as possible. Everything they experience is better with the other person there, or they feel hollow. It is a similar love that pulls a Christian towards Christ and change.
5. Do Not Fear Change
Christ is not a stationary destination. He is a destination that is always on the move. Everything in the universe is constantly moving. The Earth spins around itself and around the sun, the solar system moves through the galaxy, and the galaxy moves within the universe. In God’s universe, things move and connect. A Christian who thinks their journey ends at the cross will eventually end up “living by the flesh”.
If you wish to find clean water, you must look for running water. Water must be in motion in some way to be fit for consumption.
Everything good is in motion. God’s people need to be in motion. An individual who does not progress will self-destruct.
To be free from whatever holds us down or captivates us, we need to see change as the door to our freedom and not a door to destruction.
A Christian should always want to progress, learn more, and continue the journey they started. Someone who is stuck in a trauma response, or is controlled in some way and needs freedom, must view change differently than they have.
Many people fear change. Those who have suffered long-term affliction will often resist change because they are afraid that what comes next will be worse than what they are currently coping with.
It happens that abused people do not leave their abuser for fear that the world out there will harm them more. Although they have it bad, they still manage to fear the unknown more.
Those who break free from abuse usually end up saying death is better than their current situation, and at that moment, they take control because the worst thing they have feared is now looking like a better option. It is sad when it must come to that. The fear of the unknown holds us in abusive relationships. Some Christians are stuck inside sects, having been taught that God will leave them if they leave it. Usually, they have to accept the idea of possible eternal damnation to set themselves free. The amount of desperation involved in making such a decision is not to be underestimated. Others know they will lose their job, their family, and their position in life if they want to free themselves from the suppression they are in.
Change can be hard, but it is the only way to be liberated from a suppressive relationship or situation. For trauma survivors, daring to seek change will slowly get them out of their trauma response.
Many long-term trauma survivors fear change because they have no confidence that they can handle what will come their way, and they have lost trust in God to help them. If you are such a person or know one, practically helping them regain self-confidence and trust in themselves and in God must be considered the best way to help them. Starting with simple challenges and building up to bigger ones might be the best approach.
Conquering one small fear is training to conquer a bigger one. For instance, if someone is afraid to choose a path of change to save themselves from trauma-response behavior or abuse, find something smaller they fear they can conquer first. As an example, if they fear heights, this can be used as a tool to help them. First, climb a small rock. Find heights that are safe and secure. Teach them that their feelings cannot always be trusted after trauma and abuse. Do it repeatedly until they feel in control at that height. Then choose a slightly higher spot and continue until they feel in control and less scared in those situations. This brief practical training will help the individual learn to trust their ability to discern and make decisions, rather than being a slave to fear. When what they feared does not happen in the small things, it gives them hope that can be applied to other fears. This can be done with many things and in many ways. It is reprogramming the brain and giving the victim power back.
If someone is too scared to seek the change that is in their own best interest, do not just give up on them. A baby does not go from lying on its back to running. It goes through stages. First, it learns to turn around, then to lift its upper body, then to crawl, and finally to stand. And once it feels confident in leading its body, it dares to take the first steps. And once they feel confident in their walking and their steps are stable, they start running and jumping. Some kids are brave and skip steps, but still, it is a step-by-step process. If we tried to force a baby that had never stood on its own two feet to run, it would get damaged emotionally and physically. They might also fear the very thing we wanted to teach them, and rightly so, as it hurts them.
This is how it is when we are trying to help ourselves, and others make a change. The goal cannot be demanded or expected immediately; if it is, it might cause even more fear and phobias. We think we helped them achieve their goal, but in reality, we pushed the goal further away.
If we fear the change we need, and if others fear the change they need, we must help ourselves and them by pointing out the first step and encouraging them to overcome the first challenge on the path forward. For many who are stuck, self-esteem is the first challenge that needs to be trained; without it, the goal can never be obtained.
Many think self-esteem is not Christian because it is confused with pride. Pride and self-esteem are not the same thing. Self-esteem is a good force when practiced in love. This principle is apparent when we see that those with the highest self-esteem are not those who bully and control others. Bullies are usually the ones with the lowest self-esteem. When you have good self-esteem, you become self-efficient; you do not need to control others to feel safe. You do not need to put others down, compete with others, or use others to feel valuable. A person with true self-esteem is a problem-solver and can push their body to the extreme. A person with self-esteem will not be so easily pushed from side to side by their surroundings. They do not change with every “wind” (Jam. 1:6). Their faith in God is not easily destroyed.
The moment a broken human being learns to trust themselves and God, they can get the tools needed to break free from whatever is holding them down. And if they do not wish to break free for the sake of others, they can remain true to themselves and God in the situation they are in.
Pride is selfish and patronizing. A proud person looks down on others. Pride treats others badly. Pride is threatened by any interference with their thought pattern. It feeds on being superior to others.
Pride demands acceptance instead of asking for it. Therefore, pride and self-esteem are not the same. A person with self-esteem wishes for others to have it too because they are not threatened by others’ strength and success. True self-esteem is not competitive; self-esteem can also be the opposite of jealousy. Any form of self-esteem built on others’ failures is not true self-esteem. God wants us to have self-esteem and thrive.
Worldly self-esteem is short-lived and depends not on our worth in God’s eyes but on our position in society.
Godly self-esteem is not achieved by suppressing others or controlling others; it is trained by challenging and controlling ourselves.
If we fall, we take God’s hand and pull ourselves up. It is believing we have worth and that we can improve anything we work on.
Many who were subjected to abuse as children have been taught co-dependency. They have been brainwashed and traumatized into thinking they are too weak, too helpless, and too stupid to do anything right. Let alone free themselves and be independent without their abuser. In such cases, the self-esteem they need to have as adults is ruined. This is why they need to learn how to develop this inner tool. It cannot be handed to them with pretty words or a pat on the back. You do not help them by practicing self-esteem on their behalf, for then you just continue a cycle of co-dependency.
Instead, you must give them the opportunity for practical, hands-on training. Any child growing up with healthy self-esteem develops it subconsciously over many years and through many experiences. A teenager or an adult will need just as much time to develop after it has been systematically broken down. A healthy child does not even have the disadvantage of trauma when learning. A grown person has the disadvantage of being broken down or learning the wrong things, and then having to build themselves up from that unfortunate starting point. Naturally, it might take time, patience, and more than one opportunity to train. Repetition is the key to making any change. If we want to memorize something, we need to read it repeatedly. We have to train our brains to memorize, or we will forget it easily.
Likewise, if we want to change a negative pattern, we too have to repeat the new pattern over and over again until the brain learns to think and react differently. For example, if you fear heights, choose one specific place that triggers that fear. Keep going there often. Sit there for a longer and longer period of time. Sit closer and closer. Slowly, you will notice the body being less alert and less stressed, and the brain will have a different reaction to the view. If you go there only once or twice, too close to the edge, and then run in fear, you have only strengthened your phobia and will likely fear heights even more afterward. Repetition and gradations of challenge are the only ways to change a mental pattern. See the healthy change and start facing it slowly and repeatedly until the brain begins to change its reactions and instincts.
Why can’t God create that change in our minds when we come to Him? He can, and occasionally He will, if there is no other way. But there is a reason He wants us to take part in our healing.
God wants to help anyone who comes to Him, but He does not wish to “take over” their or our lives. God wants His children to succeed, grow, and prosper. He cannot help anyone do this by doing everything for them, removing every challenge and obstacle, and only saying what they want to hear. So, God allows mankind to face challenges so they can become stronger and be a force for good in the world.
Physical and mental strength work similarly. To make a muscle stronger, you need to use it repeatedly. The more you add challenges to the muscle and repeat, the stronger it gets. Then you can use that muscle strength for a wide range of activities beyond the training. It is the same way with mental strength if done properly. Practicing helps build healthy self-esteem, which helps someone manage their life well.
We seek change to grow. We challenge ourselves to become stronger.
Fearing change only harms us. If we desire a change in our lives and it seems impossible to achieve, start with the little things first. Let the goal hang out there in the distance first. Train your self-esteem, learn to trust that God is wishing you well, and then start walking forward.
The worst self-esteem a Christian can have, and that is bad for their spiritual life, is the self-confidence that we do not need God in our lives and that we can atone for our sins ourselves. This is a different situation. God wants to guide and help us, but if He does not let us help train our mind and body ourselves, He creates codependency, and we will become unhappy.
The whole point of training is to help us be happy and feel needed and wanted. If God does everything for us, this will not be the result. We will fear God, not love Him. Being idle and helpless has never brought anyone happiness.
When Moses lost his confidence, God still found a way to use him and help him regain it for the greater good. At first, Moses had Aron speak on his behalf. He let Aron throw the staff that turned into a serpent, even though God had taught him how to do it. For a while, Aaron kept speaking on Moses’ behalf, but eventually Moses became brave and confident enough to speak directly to both the people and the pharaoh. You could say Moses showed a little lack of faith to begin with, but God was patient with him and gave him the time and help he needed to reach his full potential. From being scared and letting his brother speak on his behalf to becoming one of the greatest biblical leaders and speakers in history, it has been quite the journey. Everyone has a journey. We just need to keep moving forward.
6. Practice your faith
It is nothing but self-deception to think that we can believe in something without acting on that belief. If we do not think we can succeed at something, we will not try. If we think we can do something, we will. Our actions tell us what we believe about ourselves, others, and God.
In society and in our day, people often say what they wish were true or what they would like to be true, thinking it will somehow become true.
If we want to move forward, we have to take physical steps. Like James said: “Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works” (James 2:18)
What you do with “your hand” strengthens “your mind”. If you choose to do what is wrong, it will, over time, change how you think and reason. The “hand” (our actions) and “the mind” (our thoughts and decisions) are connected. It is the same way with that which is good. If you choose to do what is right, it will strengthen your mind. Paul describes in the Book of Hebrews many God-fearing heroes who act on their faith. (Heb.11) For a long time, deceitful preachers have taught their congregation that God only asks of us a conversion of the mind. But in the Bible, what we do will affect our minds either negatively or positively. Acting out our faith establishes our faith in our hearts and minds. Those who only believe with “their mind” will fall away from the faith at some point. These are the laws of God’s creation.
To offer a simple illustration: if you tell yourself you want healthy vegetables but then eat candy, your mind and body know you did not get what you needed. You can tell your body that the candy was healthy, but it will still treat it as unhealthy. We cannot fool ourselves with words. For someone who needs to get out of victimhood or a trauma response, understanding this is critical. You cannot wish and long for freedom while at the same time doing the things that imprison you. Do not be stuck in your head. You have power in “the hand,” and every so often, “the hand” needs to teach the brain, while other times the brain needs to teach “the hand”.
Make sure to act toward your goal rather than just think about it. Take one step at a time. Ask for help if you need it. Take a big step if that is the right step. Just take a step forward. Say it, then work towards it or do it, and then the word will be established.
7. Do Not Give the Responsibility for Your Healing to Others.
It can be important for many to get help in the healing process, but do not give up your responsibility. It is understandable that many dread responsibilities, especially if they lack self-esteem, but taking responsibility also means taking control of the solution.
If we practice “learned helplessness” in our healing, we will never find it.
When someone has been hurt, neglected, or wounded, they often desperately want to see a change in the person who harmed them before they can find peace. If we make our peace dependent on that, then we are placing our healing in the hands of those who wronged us, people who may never repent.
It is not a good approach to make our freedom dependent on those who hurt us. We may wishfully hope to change ourselves by changing others’ responses to us, but instead of finding healing, we end up beating our heads against a wall, trying to change others in order to feel better ourselves. What self-destructive deception it is to believe that changing others will somehow change us. It has never worked, yet people keep trying, only to fail.
To find true peace, we should seek the change we need in ourselves, no matter the surroundings. As Christians, we can find communion with Christ, and let that inspire us instead.
On this earth, our surroundings and the people we will meet will never be perfect. If you are dependent on people having the perfect response to you and on them making the perfect decision to do the right things yourself, you set yourself up for failure.
Accept that life is unfair: some people are heartless, some will not repent, some will not understand you, and some people will not care, no matter how much you want them to.
If you think you must convince those around you to change in order to find your own change or relief, let that go right now.
You can do the right thing even if others do not. Do not let your healing and health depend on people who hurt you. Take responsibility for your healing.
Be who you want to be without waiting for your surroundings to change. If you want others to change, inspire them with your change, but you have to change first.
As bad as it sounds, do not give God sole responsibility for your healing either. He wants to help you, but He cannot act on your behalf, any more than pushing weights will give another person bigger muscle mass. You need to participate and take responsibility for your healing. God will be right there by your side to help you, but you are responsible for making the decision.
8. Do Not Punish Yourself.
A house in conflict with itself cannot stand. “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand” (Matt. 12:25)
Someone who is abused often punishes themselves. If we are at war with ourselves, our house cannot stand. The worst enemy we ever face is ourselves. People who have been abused and harmed have not been taught to love themselves, and so they find temporary relief in turning against themselves. This might seem strange to someone with a healthy upbringing, but those who have not had that privilege understand it very well.
Those who grow up in unloving homes and have suffered neglect, bullying, and abuse can, as teenagers and adults, self-harm by cutting themselves, punishing themselves, and verbally mocking and speaking down upon themselves. Within that group of victims, many start abusing drugs, as it partially relieves them of their need to harm themselves. It is still another form of self-abuse, even if the drug user considers it to be self-medication.
Self-aggression is a way to take control over one’s own pain. It is the reason many victims become abusers as well. By switching roles and becoming the abuser, they manage, in a heartless way, to detach themselves from the fear and vulnerability of being a victim. The person who self-abuses finds relief similarly, but instead of finding a victim, they become both the abuser and the victim. They take on both roles; this, too, gives a sense of control and identity. Self-abuse often happens when a person feels they have embarrassed themselves or done something stupid. It could also be that they feel rejected or ignored by someone. Wanting to feel good again and helpless so they do not have to feel responsible for their behavior, they bring out the abuser role to create the victim role and thereby find balance and temporary relief. The problem is that if, when you grow up, you do not have good lessons on how to deal with problems in a healthy way, you are inclined to deal with them unhealthily. Our bodies cannot be tricked. We were not created for a world of sin, but our bodies have adjusted. It demands relief when hurt. So, adults, children, and teenagers find many ways to relieve the pressure on themselves. If we do not receive the right guidance early on, we will use the wrong methods. Not only do people with multiple personality disorders divide themselves into different roles. It is very normal for a self-abuser to do the same when they become both the abuser and the victim and role-play it repeatedly.
Self-harm and self-hate are ways to dissociate from the real issue. It can give momentary relief because the person who does it feels in control and gets a rush of adrenaline, which helps them get back up and continue their daily lives. But they will never truly be happy because they live in an abusive relationship with themselves. The problem is momentarily relieved, but not solved. The person who self-harms continues doing so repeatedly because it is not a solution in itself. Rather, they are stuck in a cycle that is very hard to break free from. It becomes an addiction because it gives off hormones and a false sense of calm afterward.
Unfortunately, some thrive in the abuser role even though the only person they are abusing is themselves. It makes them feel strong enough to handle life’s challenges.
For a mentally healthy individual, this might not make sense, but it is very common. To get out of this self-destructive cycle, we need to find self-love and self-care. To forgive ourselves when we have done something wrong. For those who have never experienced parental love, this is very hard. For a Christian, however, this love can be experienced through God as a father. If we are willing to see the great value we hold in His eyes, His willingness to forgive and heal our wounds can inspire us to deal with ourselves better, too.
Rather than finding relief in reenacting the abuser-abused role to deal with momentary pain, we can find relief with God. He can be the strong one who protects us, shows compassion, and loves us despite our mistakes.
Many who become Christians and have a conversion will experience a natural desire not to self-abuse. If faith in God falters, however, a Christian might go back to their old ways.
A strong belief in God’s love can, therefore, help us out of the cycle of self-abuse. Love is a powerful tool for healing.
Accepting God’s love for us also means accepting our worth.
If we need to be punished for something, we should leave that in God’s hands. He most often chooses mercy, which can be hard to accept for someone who self-abuses, because it goes against what their body and instincts are used to. Again, we see “the flesh” working against the spirit to our downfall. Here too, a believer should reject “the flesh” and choose to be led by God’s spirit instead. You might not feel worthy of mercy. You might not feel deserving of it. You might want punishment to feel at ease, or feel that being the bad guy is your identity. Yet you must reject these feelings and accept God’s love. For a wounded person, this can be hard, but once they do, they will find freedom.
The Christians who have done self-abuse before becoming Christians are at risk. When their faith falters, by instinct, God is placed in the position of an abuser. This way, they can re-enact the role-playing they feel gives them relief. They might also preach God as an abuser to others, thinking it will save them. God often deals with damaged people who misrepresent Him. It is part of life.
Some who lose sight of God’s love may develop a fearful relationship with God, in which God becomes a watcher, waiting to see if they fail. Fearing that He is noticing every little imperfection so that He can use it to harm and punish you. This is how they grew up with an authority figure, so it comes naturally to expect this behavior from God. Then they hurry and punish themselves, thinking this will please God.
This is just another way of reacting to the abuse-abuser situation. God, being strong and in authority, becomes the natural choice for an abuser. There are many Christians who have an abusive relationship with God that is self-created, and that God is not really a part of. It is an imaginary relationship where they have given it to God to play out the role-play they are used to. Unfortunately, sometimes when God answers their prayer, they take it as confirmation that God is who they imagine Him to be. In these cases, it is essential to understand who God is so that we do not impose on Him a character or personality that is not His. Understanding this is part of the path to healing for a Christian trauma survivor.
A self-harming Christian happens, and usually, it is because they have given God an abusive role in their life so that they can maintain their identity as a victim. It is a complicated matter, as a self-abuser is both a victim and abuser, and their victimhood can lie in identifying themselves as the bad guy while desiring mercy as the victim. It is destructive to try to place a God inside this game. Some do to God what they do to themselves, and God is considered not only their abuser but also their victim, perfectly continuing the circle of punishing themselves for being a “bad Christian” and then becoming “God’s victim” after completing self-punishment and hurting. This is a mental health problem; it is not Christianity.
All of this is damaging; any type of self-abuse is damaging. Witnessing falsehoods about God to ourselves is also damaging and does not lead us to salvation. Instead, we push away the one who can help us.
By taking responsibility for our mistakes and faults, we can apologize, seek pardon, and move on. Following the sanctuary pattern God has set up.
A Christian has little right to take revenge on themselves outside of God’s court system.
A Christian needs to understand that we have no right to punish ourselves or others on God’s behalf. God says we are precious to Him, our lives and our existence. We are not allowed to abuse ourselves. God does not desire for us to abuse ourselves, and it becomes clear when we read the following verse: “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?
If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are” (1Co 3:16-17).
We cannot gain credit in the courts of heaven for having put ourselves on trial and judged ourselves. That is not how God’s court works. Yet for someone who self-abuses, this idea can seem terrifying, because self-punishment gives a sense of control, and they often fear authority figures more than they fear themselves. If you experience this or know someone who does, help them understand that God is not like their abuser and that He is a merciful judge ready to forgive and move forward. In many instances, God is more merciful toward us than we are toward ourselves. Trust in God’s mercy can help stop self-harm. Remember, when you are hard on yourself, you will tend to be hard on others too. It is not a private matter.
Earthly courts work the same way; we cannot pick our punishment and execute it ourselves. Imagine if someone did something wrong toward you and they cut themselves in front of you and said, “Are you happy now?” You would rather see proper justice or forgive them. To take an extreme example: If someone abused your child, you would wish that person to be held accountable. Watching them punch themselves in the face would hardly give you or your child that closure. Nor does it reflect true repentance.
Christians who punish themselves may be trying to avoid the punishment they fear. When you are punished by others, you are not in control. When you punish yourself, you feel in control because you become your own victim and can decide when to stop.
It is just another fear reaction. This response to our sin is neither holy nor acceptable to God. He wants us to break free of self-abuse and self-punishment and trust that we can leave it to Him to be fair and compassionate.
God is not our abuser, nor does He wish to be. When God punishes, it is not abuse; it is justice. If you are judged, it is because you did harm someone, not for God to satisfy some self-needed aggression like a narcissistic abuser does. An abuser is usually out of control, does not follow rules, is unfair, takes their issues out on others, and needs to push someone down to feel better themselves. God is none of these things. He uses order and systems; He will only be fair; He does not have issues; rather, He is dealing with our issues with each other, and He has no need to push others down to feel better about Himself. He wants humans to succeed, excel, and be strong and healthy.
God does not punish as an abuser does, and so a damaged person does not have to fear God as they would their abuser. God punishes only fairly and by order.
A victim feels powerless in an abusive relationship in part because they cannot predict when, why, or how the abuser will strike. So, they “walk on eggshells” for the abuser, never knowing when they might have done something to anger them.
God is apparent, and it is the reason He does not need people to “walk on eggshells» for Him. He has written law. He says we are judged by this law, and we are given the right to know its words, how it works, and even when a punishment is given. In addition to making a law clearly expressing His definition of «fair,» we are given a chance at pardon if we wish to change. Nothing is unexpected or a surprise, unless we have deceived ourselves or decided to be bad. A thief might go “on eggshells,” scared to be caught, but he knows he is doing something wrong and that he will be judged; he has willingly decided to take the risks. A narcissist might “walk on eggshells,” worried his lies will be exposed, but he continues anyway. This is not the type of “eggshell” a victim walks on around an abuser. Those who harm others should fear the Lord’s judgment as much as they do the earthly government. It must not be confused with an abuser-victim relationship.
A court system on earth is not an abuser either. Because it has a law, we know it is not trying to abuse anyone when it judges according to it. They are just preserving peace in society and preventing a person from further damaging their surroundings.
It is the same way with God. God’s law is evidence that God’s reign is a justice system, not “an abusive father and his children”.
No one can stand before an earthly court and tell the judge that the whole trial is unnecessary because they will punish themselves instead. This is lawlessness at its best. No court with respect for itself will accept this, and neither does God.
A court does not judge because it hates, despises, or wants to humiliate the defendant. It just wants to obtain justice and order. Neither does God judge because He hates someone. The difference is that a court is unbiased in its judgment. It focuses on the crime, not on the perpetrator’s personal feelings. God’s love for mankind, knowing each person’s story, is biased toward saving them and giving them the chance of a pardon. An earthly court lacks love, but it can see potential and wish for the accused’s well-being and his rehabilitation.
Self-harm is not a reenactment of a court system or of God’s court; it is just a reenactment of abuse. It is driven by self-loathing, and it is blind.
Thus, God does not desire or want His children to self-punish or self-harm. Rather, if we do feel sorry about something we said or experienced, we can reflect and seek His guidance.
Self-harm is not humility; it is aggression and the desire for control. It does not go well in a relationship with God, for we play God when doing it. The word translated as “God” in the Bible is Elohim, which simply means judge. If we judge ourselves, we are gods to ourselves.
“For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God” (1.John 3:20).
Self-harm is a rejection of God’s court system and sanctuary. We are sitting in His temple, playing gods. This is a great shame, for in God’s sanctuary, the sin was transferred to the animal, and the animal was sacrificed in our place. Christ took our punishment so that we could go free. These sacrifices represented Christ’s sacrifice for us. At its worst, self-harm is rejecting Christ’s sacrifice for us. He took our punishment to save us.
A Christian needs to consider this before self-harming: that they take their sins out of Christ’s hands when He is about to pay for them and put them back on themselves.
A victim of abuse is used to having to be the sin-bearer and take the guilt of others’ sins. It can therefore be a great inner battle to go against «the flesh» and trained instincts to let Christ take their sin and be punished in their place. In a strange way, Christ «steals» what had been their role. And so they refuse Christ and make Him the abuser instead, so that they can uphold the role-play of their abuse. Then they are lost.
For God, this must be devastating, wanting to especially save the damaged and weak, only to see them refuse His gift and portray Him as an offender.
A Christian who has these issues needs to deny themselves and give their sins to Christ. They must accept the role God has given them, to be loved. They are no longer to be sin-bearers for their abusers.
Understand that Christ taking on a role you have carried does not make you the abuser. Understand that God and others, even ourselves, are not meant to follow patterns created by sick and sinful people. Let God give you freedom from self-abuse, from splitting your personality into either victim or abuser, or both at once. Leave all of this behind. Learn to know God as He truly is. Let Christ take your sin and the punishment for it. You are not an abuser for making Christ your sin-bearer, for Christ took it willingly because He loves you and is your Father. It is a self-sacrifice for His children, something an abused child has never experienced before.
Understanding and learning these concepts properly for the first time is important to get out of the abusive, self-abusive situation and find freedom.
If you are helping such a person, telling them God is a «father» and «loves you» is not enough. More knowledge about what this means is needed. They do not have the instincts or knowledge of what this truly means. Knowledge and experience are therefore key.
It is sad that sometimes those most hurt by sin are also those who struggle the most to receive Christ’s sacrifice. God knows this and is willing to work extra hard for these people. He knows it is not evil or hatred towards Him that keeps them away, but a learned behavior.
The solution is to unlearn this behavior. It does not take just words, but practice and repetition as well.
Many victims of abuse will not be in heaven because they could never free themselves from their roles. For the Christian who is damaged like this and wishes to be with God, there is only one way to do it. There is no salvation outside of Christ.
In the end, we decide and choose between our role-play and the real Christ.
Christ offers freedom. Our role-playing will destroy us. A house «in conflict with itself will not remain standing.” “But if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed». (Matt.12:25; Joh. 8:32)