1. Introduction 2. The World Is A Battlefield 3. The Church: A Feast for Oppressors? 4. The Many Faces of Childhood Trauma. 5. How do victims communicate? 6. Being a victim of an offense and victimhood 7. Learned Helplessness 8. Victim-blaming 9. God’s solution to sin 10. How Satan uses the Bible to force us to submit to him 11. The Good Shepherd 12. Victimhood as a weapon 13. The Victorious Christian 14. Practical exercise towards freedom. 15. Restore your trust in God. 16. Why God allows difficulties. 17. Church Tribulations 18. Final Victory 19. Afterword
Abusers and victims can find each other in a church.
Why can it be hard for Christians to find healing and refuge in the church? Some churches are good and loving and can offer help and relief, but many people have a negative experience when they seek compassion in the church. It is not a certainty that the wounded will find relief by becoming Christians or coming to Christians. In some instances, damaged people come to Christian groups only to be further harmed and exploited. There are several reasons for this.
In the book of Revelation, chapter 18, we see a statement: «Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird.» (v.2)
This biblical statement is about the end-time churches. In it, there are so many people with bad tendencies. Narcissistic people struggle for recognition and power. Others commit awful sins yet seem to feel comfortable going to church every week and smiling as if they do no wrong. People preach one thing and live differently. Pretended holiness, hiding harmful actions, or as Christ called it: «You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” (Matt. 23:27)
Many are leaving churches because of a lack of love and warmth. Gossip, bullying, competition, and discrimination are not strange occurrences either. Many abusers are protected by church boards, and victims are encouraged not to report the offense. Not to mention the many mentally unstable people who seem so attracted to Christian social gatherings. From liberalism to fanaticism and ritualism, they all have the same problem.
Why are there so many bad people in the churches?
A church can sometimes become an attractive place for people with bad tendencies because of how they are received there. It is commonly said that abusers seek people who are willing to be victims, and victims often seek new abusers, not knowing any other way of life. It is a repeating social behavior that many mental health students wish to understand and explain. Why do victims attract abusers? Why does the victim not break free from the patterns when they experience harm?
To many, Christianity is about being submissive, and that we are only good Christians if we tolerate evil done towards us. There is a sense of innocence in being a victim because the blame is directed elsewhere. So victims can easily weave their victimhood into their faith.
Another reason the church can easily become a feast for oppressors is that many within the church will not stand up against a strong personality. It is not seen as humble. And so, someone who is full of themselves can easily, more easily than in any other society, climb to an influential position without risking much backlash. Competition within the church is usually seen when two such people vie for the same position or place in the group. In many churches, you have all those desiring recognition and power who struggle with each other, and you have a large party of submissive Christians going under the banner of one of them or even all of them.
“Holy” Slander.
Many become addicted to finding faults in others to boost their own sense of spiritual superiority. They try to wash away their own sins in others’ greater or different sins, so to speak.
This is perhaps the main reason people slander and talk behind someone’s back, especially in the church. By seeking support and recognition through painting others in an unfavorable light, people trick themselves into feeling better about themselves. The worse the sins and crimes of another, the more they feel their own sins are unproblematic.Often, the other person’s faults are not actually greater, but are exaggerated so that the one accusing can feel better about themselves. In God’s eyes, however, their fault-finding and slander make them less of a good person. Their own sense of righteousness is measured not by recognizing their own sins and turning them over to Christ, but by finding others’ sins to accuse before Christ. Jesus addressed this false sense of sanctification in the story of the Pharisee and the Tax collector:
“Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted” (Luk 18:10-14).
Slander is and has always been an attempt at self-exaltation.
This cruel and authoritative behaviour is seen in all walks of life, not just in the church. However, when it happens in the church, it can damage people’s relationship with God. A victim who comes into the church can easily become a target for this type of behaviour. They are different, and those who are different are often the easiest targets to group against.
It is not uncommon for a church group to speak ill of others and disclose their secrets and faults under the excuse of “praying for them,” as if that act legitimizes the slander. While a non-religious friend group behaving this way can do great damage, the victim can more easily walk away and find other friends. Doing it in God’s name in a church, however, can manipulate the victim into continuing to subject themselves to such treatment submissively, out of fear of eternal damnation, or out of the belief that the voice of the group is the voice of God. Slowly, they lose their remaining self-confidence and end up sicker than they were before they came to church.
Being a victim and being good are not the same thing.
Some victims unconsciously entangle themselves in abusive situations, chasing their own faulty sense of righteousness. For a Christian, «being good» is important, and it is easier to feel like the good guy when you are the victim. They find their righteousness not in Christ, but in their submission. By avoiding conflict, accepting ill-treatment, and choosing a lesser role for themselves, they feel «good».
An article in Psychology Today brought an interesting insight: “Victim” is a compelling identity because it makes us feel moral and as if we’re acting out of necessity, not a choice. Author Jim Ferrell states, “We complain about the suffering that we have, and yet what we’re blind to is that we value the innocence we find in that suffering.” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/are-we-done-fighting/202202/victimhood-is-tearing-us-apart) Although not written about Christians, this statement is extremely true among Christians.
Victimhood is sometimes seen as true Christianity and therefore selected as a way of living. After all, Christ was a victim and was killed, and as faithful Christians, we are asked to «take up our cross and follow Him» (Mat 10:38).
Some who have grown up with trauma and victimhood, when coming to a church and the faith, find it easy to remain in that victimhood, and some therefore never regain health and freedom as Christians.
The meaning behind “taking up the cross” can be misunderstood, and many think God will only accept them if they are as pathetic as possible.
The misconception is that the more mistreatment and evil we bear, the better Christians we are. Or if we are long-suffering, somehow that suffering makes us good. No one would admit this, of course, but it is often how it is played out. But others being evil does not equal us being good. The misconception of «carrying our cross» creates a banquet for abusers who can find people they can victimize for their gratification and find a platform to be admired at the same time. It is all a narcissist’s desire, gift-wrapped and handed over.
Some people cannot bear living this way, and over time, the churches are slowly emptied. In the end, the abusive people remain as kings, with their subjects accepting whatever is preached and decided in the church as the “will of God». They don’t believe they can or that they should rebel. Their salvation is assumed to be in their compliance. Speaking up is rebellious; rebellion is of Satan, and their perception of their virtue is lost while showing rebellious strength, so they remain silent.
God desires our freedom.
This dynamic, seen across many Christian denominations, can be used to further harm people who are already wounded. Many people suffering under victimhood don’t understand that they are suppressed, either by themselves or by others, needlessly. They do not know that God desires and can help them find their freedom. If they don’t see that this is a possibility, they will not seek it or receive it when offered. They hurt, but they don’t know how to make the hurt stop. Some don’t even understand how they are being hurt. All they feel is a constant sense of suppression and uneasiness. They feel captive in some way, and they don’t know how to free themselves. If their faith is entangled in the belief that God demands them to be submissive, it can be very hard to understand and act differently. No Christian who loves God wants to defy him. It is, therefore, only one thing that can truly free a Christian from such a situation. To be persuaded by God’s word that God desires their freedom. The phrase “carrying our cross” describes a toxic relationship that prevents someone from being a true follower of Christ (Matt. 10:34-39). A few verses before, in the same setting, Christ says: “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword” (Matt.10:34) The statement of “carrying one’s cross” is therefore not an encouragement to submit to suppression, rather it is about choosing to do that which is right even if you have to stand alone.
God wants to impute His own righteousness as a gift to us, and will not save anyone through their self-harm or self-induced affliction. We are not purified by willingly living in hell on earth and allowing ourselves to be tormented by “Satan’s helpers.” This is not a written doctrine in any church, yet many Christians live as though it is, constantly suppressing themselves.
Those who have grown up in problematic families usually either rebel against such constellations in the church on instinct or comply on instinct. This all depends on how they handled their situation growing up. Those who come out of childhood as «warriors» will easily fight any suppression and unfairness they see in the church. If they were a whistleblower in a dysfunctional family relationship, they are likely to become one in a dysfunctional congregation as well. Those who came out stuck in victimhood will easily comply and accept injustice in the church. Some do both back and forth, and they might struggle the most to find peace. For many wounded people, the church can either further harm them or help them to heal. If you are a Christian with mental health issues searching for healing, a church constellation might not be able to offer that because of human weakness and ignorance, but God and the Bible can.
Christ’s words: “The truth shall make you free” and «The truth shall make you free indeed” reveal that true Christianity is not about bondage or about becoming submissive under oppressive people. (Joh. 8:32 &36) Christ’s saying is about delivering us from the bondage of our sins, but many are also under bondage to other people’s sins. Either way, regardless of whose sin it is, if we submit to it, we become “servants of sin.” If we go from «sin» to another overlord forcing us, we are still not free. We go from one “slave owner” to another. Some treat Christ as a “slave owner”, but Christ denies that a relationship with Him is slavery:
«For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Cor. 3:17). True Christianity is not about feeling forced to accept bad treatment or to allow harm without speaking up. Rather, Christ says Satan is an oppressor, sin is an oppressor, but true freedom is with God. This is in part because God fights for men’s freedom to choose their destinies. It is not about going from one oppressor to another, but about becoming someone who is in charge and responsible. Following God, in the Bible, is a choice we make.
Once we follow Satan and sin, the choice becomes forced, and Satan will not let us go. Sin is addictive and leads us into a destructive loop. When you invite Satan’s spirits in, they won’t leave even when you ask them to; they possess you, force your will, and have no respect for you.
When we choose God, we must continue to choose God every day because following God does not possess us. Every choice we make comes from a place of freedom. God’s spirit helps and guides, but when uninvited, it goes silent. It does not possess. This is why true Christianity is freedom at every single step, every single day. God gives us responsibility for ourselves and our choices. He presents himself as a role model, a helper, and a protector. A shepherd goes before His sheep, calling for them, not behind, and then hitting them so they move forward. He says: “My sheep hear my voice…and they follow me” (John.10:27) Jesus also said: “If any man serves me, let him follow me” (Joh.12:26) When He called His disciples He said: “follow me” and “And they straightway left their nets, and followed him” (Matt.4:20) By going before and inviting us to follow, the principles of God make it clear that He inspires and leads. He does not force or drag us along. Following Him is only ever a choice. Even carrying our cross, He says: “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matt. 16:24). Christ does not place the cross on us or force us to carry it. If we wish to carry it, we “take it up” and “follow” by choice. Christ is a defender of free will, and no one can be a Christian if forced to be. The term “Christian” means “follower of Christ” and implies free will. Not one person will be in heaven who was forced to convert on earth. Because God sees us as free human beings, He holds us responsible for our choices and our actions. With every choice comes a consequence, or a sequence that follows it. If there are three doors in front of me, each with a different color, and I choose one and walk through it, I will end up in the room or space the door leads to. If God made me end up in the other room, then the door I selected was leading to, then my freedom of choice is only an illusion. It would not matter what door I picked, for I had no control over what that choice would lead to. So, when God gives us freedom of choice, He must permit us to experience what that choice leads to, so we can intellectually evaluate it and make new decisions based on that evaluation. We enter the room of the door we pick; however, God offers education about what each door leads to, so we do not pick the wrong one in ignorance. God educates, he does not take over.
The Bible itself is the greatest evidence of this fact. Why is God’s word a book? God could have programmed it into our heads by force, but because he respects man’s freedom, he has placed his word outside, in a book we ourselves have to choose to open and read. We must put His words into our minds. We can pray for the Holy Spirit to help us receive the word correctly and understand what we read. To help us receive it in our hearts. But God won’t do that unless we take the initiative to help ourselves and give Him that permission. The whole idea of the Bible, God’s word placed outside of ourselves, is an illustration that knowing God is an invitation. The responsibility of opening it and accessing the information is ours.
The consequence is the product of our decision. If we do not wish to get to know God, we will not understand Him. If we don’t understand Him, we might fear him. If we fear Him, we might reject Him. Accountability, therefore, plays an important part in our freedom. When God does not want to force our will, even for our own good, then who are we to do it to others? If we live suppressed, unable to evaluate and make our own decisions, another has taken control of our minds. We know this is not God’s method to save us. They are not acting on God’s behalf.
Loose the chains
When we demand that others take responsibility for themselves, we follow Christ’s principles. Judging sin in the church and helping victims become free is from God.
At one time, the people of Jerusalem were fasting, seeking God’s approval through their idea of humility. They tormented themselves, believing it sanctified them and pleased God. Many Christians today have the same approach to God. God responded to them: «Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?” (Isaiah 58:6)
If our church has become a feast for oppressors and unempathetic people, then we, the people, are to blame for allowing them to harm God’s congregation. Our false idea of humility and Christ-like character has given them permission and the platform to harm. While thinking we are good, we have become Satan’s servants. We fed the monsters, and they are now our leaders.
We are not, and will never become, good through others’ evil. It is important to know the difference between fighting evil with good and complying with evil. If we don’t know the difference, we harm, and we do not represent Christ. To find healing as a Christian in the church, therefore, we need to understand these principles.
The first step to healing is to let go of all our own methods for relieving ourselves of guilt and shame, and to find peace in Christ’s righteousness instead.